All of this. It's probably why I'm such a private person. I'm especially secretive about my dating life and I almost forgot why because anytime I'm over someone they'll have to bring that person up to me months later. Someone, I've already forgotten about and isn't a big deal they're making it one.

I remember as a child, I mentioned I had a crush. Then randomly during dinner, I don't know what my mom said but it was something like you should do this because your crush wouldn't like that. I wish I never said anything. I hide a lot from them because of fear of judgement and I just rather not or they assume weird ish about me, kind of like how kids spread rumours about me in school being gay because I never talked about crushing on boys. They will suggest careers for me that have no relation to my interests.

I wonder if that's why I'm so scared to open up to people, yet I'll complain about having a hard time connecting to people but no one really knows me because I don't allow them to. The one time I did feel the connection was because I was open (well as open as I can be while not feeling naked in the cold). But I'm currently avoiding that person because I don't want to go there.

Meanwhile, I was fine with my ex and the only guy I was emotionally open with and he ended up being horrible with dealing with emotions, like a complete asshole about it after asking me to open up. I didn't even know it at first, I just assumed he was more stoic and maybe that's why he was the first I was emotionally attracted to because it felt familiar. The more I talked to him the more I realize he was one of those messed up "tough love" people, but that's how I treat my own emotions. Damn, I think I just figured something out.