The past is what gets me. I grew up isolated from my family because my parents are very anti social and narcissistic so they don't interact with literally anybody and I stayed away from their toxic ways. On top of he fact that they are mentally abusive and always downplay everything I've ever done/accomplished and tried their very best to make me feel insignificant. My brother, who is 13 and already a failure, failed like 5 classes in middle school, yet gets endless praise. I have a deep hatred for them, and I can get over it but every once in a while the memories come back saying "you'll never have a fucking family, nobody gives a fuck about you, you were abused as a kid and are a worthless piece of shit" Then I can hear the names my mom called me and my dad not being there and lying about when he's coming to visit. Then I start to get panic attacks and look at the child version of me and wish I could go back and say I love him that it's okay but I can't. Nobody will understand.

In high school I was isolated also with 3 close friends. I've discovered that I have a passion for music and can make music, but I have the image of who I was from hs following me everywhere I go and I can't shake it and this prevents me from becoming the person I want to be.

Tl:dr Its from a fucked up family life and not having anybody close to me through all my life. The past also haunts me, preventing me from doing anything cause it constantly bashes my mind. My life is a cluster fuck of loneliness and self hatred that probably won't last long.