I was sixteen when we first met, she was a year older. It was love on first sight. Due to living in different countries it took us a year to finally get together and we stayed together for three years. We were perfect. We were naive, we were a great team, full of love, we got engaged.

She always had a dark streak. Over time she developed a clinical depression, became suicidal. I stopped her twice. I stayed with her for... another year? A young kid, trying to be supportive while she was voluntarily in and out of psych wards. In the end I called it off, pressure was too much. Some stuff had happened, but in hindsight it's just teenager drama blown out of proportion. I felt overwhelmed and I knew we were simply too young. I never stopped loving her, but I couldn't continue and I didn't know how to fix it.

I had become quite depressed myself in the process and tried to figure out my life, barely 20. She was trying to sort out hers. I knew with absolute certainty that we would meet again, eventually. Maybe even get together again. She always had a place in my heart. We kept in contact very sporadically, like an email or letter every couple of years. I remember speaking on the phone at least once, maybe more, I don't know.

Seven years after we split, I had been in and out of another serious long term relationship, a DVD was released of a concert we went together. I watched the whole thing and caught the split second were we were on screen. In the first row, in loving embrace, smiling at each other. I meant to send her a copy.

A few month later my parents visited her home country, thought they'd say hi and called her parents.

"You couldn't know. She passed last week."

No, not suicide. Heart failure. At age 28. She had finally overcome her depression, was living a hopeful life. One afternoon she was standing on the platform waiting for the train and suddenly collapsed. By the time she they got her to the hospital it was already too late.

I drove to her funeral. First time seeing her hometown and her family again. So many memories. I bawled my eyes out during the whole service.

My parents are still friends with her dad, occasionally they visit each other. Seven more years have passed. Last year my parents, my partner and I to stayed a week at his remote cottage in the alps, it was wonderful. I'd like to see him again.

I don't think I'll ever be able to throw away her letters.