Its really complicated.. I dont understand my situation properly...

I'm with family, but i'm tormented by them. I feel like I have been scarred over and over ever since I was little. The simple fact that strength and power rules over another is just too much for me to handle now. Ever since I was little, my Father used to abuse my mother, and my eldest brother has been born into that kind of environment, so he followed his footsteps and he used to torture me when I was little but my dad changed somewhere in the middle, he realised what he has done but my elder brother followed that kind of example... my dad became more nicer over the years and I followed that example always.. we moved far away from my elder brother after I finished middle school. And I finished my high school in Saudi Arabia, i used to love it there, i made a lot of friends and it was just fun with the people around, plus you cannot beat the nice environment of people.. I have lived there for 4-5 years and after I came back to where my elder brother lived.. I came back here for 2 reasons, 1 to get my degree and finish my studies and 2nd was he was getting married. So after I came here, for years I didnt really realise what was going on. My mother became insane, like insane insane.. I didnt understand what was going on.. My elder brother labelled her insane and she even acted insane.. she was insane as far as my memory goes.. and as siblings we all believed what he said, I mean we had to cause she was insane.. she thought that her elder sister was stealing things from us, taking away small things that never made any sense, why she would do that or why would my mother even think that...... at the time my father wasn't in the country, he still lived in Saudi Arabia cause of work. So with an insane mother, I have tried to concentrate on studies but I couldnt do it.. at the time I didnt know what was going on with me.. it felt like a big curse of depression on my shoulder.. maybe it was because of my habit of masterbation or maybe it was something else.. to this day I still cannot figure it out.. maybe its simply an entrapment of abuse that the entire family suffered and has all come up on my shoulder today.. and I cannot escape it.. I failed university.. I mean how could I do school with everything on my shoulder like that.. I dont know what happened.. either way I wasnt able to grind through it.. Now im in college and on my last 3 semesters.. A couple of months ago I had a mental breakdown... I told his group of friends that he made my mom insane... at first I had overconfidence in what I was saying.. I wanted to see him fall harder than any other person in my entire life.. Afterwards I had overwhelming guilt and confusion to what was going on.. he ended up punching me and all i did was cry and apologise cause I didnt know where was up or down.. the fact that I told everyone he knows just to defame him.. it was the sin i had to carry.. and i felt a huge shame on my back.. cause they were all older than me... it was something that just wont dissappear so quickly... at the time I didnt know whether i was right or wrong.. i simply made my move without thinking and I just hated everything to bits.. my life.. suicide had crossed my mind.. my life is over thats all that went through my head.. How much longer will i have to suffer for? God what did i do to deserve to be tortured like this.. with an insane mother who starts arguments over petty things and an elder brother who sees joy in watching me suffer.. I dont have any friends over here.. not in this country not with the insanity that is taking hold of my mother and without any kind of help from my family.. I cant do anything in this world. So 5-6 years now.. this is the story that I could finally come up with. My mother for the first time in her life is becoming independant, without people telling her what to do, I always wondered why I was so smart, its because I always had her attitude, my father and elder brother always got in the way of all her plans and she could never do anything in her life cause of her kids cause of the abuse she went through, she couldnt do anything.. My entire life, my mother and father were always together parenting us... but now that she is alone, calling all the shots, it is breaking me apart inside out.. I feel like my independence is being taken apart just so that she gains it.. and im being tortured trying to gain my own... trying to deal with my elder brother and my insane mother.. it takes a huge toll in my head.. cause in the end I end up playing the abusive father role.. thats how they see me anyways.. cause I have always followed the good teachings my dad taught but I always knew he was dumb.. and thats the side which I tried never following but I feel like now im doing the same dumb things he used to do. The same thing is happening to me.. I cant control it.. I always listened to my elders when I was little.. I had my moments of screw this or screw that, but this time its gone to an abusive level I cannot escape from. I end up blaming myself for everything that happens, i get massive panic attacks, I ended up blaming everything to masterbation because that is the major sin that i carry that and avoiding prayers at times.. its hard living with no one supportive and everyone abusive.. the only thing i can do is pray, the bliss I get when Im free from my own sins lasts only for so little with the abuse around the corner. The truth is I could have done a lot of things to forget this version of reality.. but its come to a point where this is my only escape.. with my friends separated to other countries, loneliness comes in the worst forms ever, betrayal and loss of trust from friends.. The only good thing that has came out for the last 5-6 years that I have lived here in the West is that my mother is talking less and less about the thief, over the last year she hasnt talked about the thief.. maybe its just what i want to see... but she has improved over the years, she talks about it less and less. She has started working part time now and I did see her smiling from time to time, which does make me smile. Im happy to see her trying, im trying as well. Where i live my daily routines is just me doing things alone all the time, everything is far.. nothing is free, money is everything here in the West and I dont even have that. I used to go to the gym but i broke my ankle, and it will take 1-2 months to heal, that was my place of bliss for a month but then i sprained my leg. My daily routine is now just me working on a project before my next semester starts.. and I really think this project if I succeed in it, It will tackle my wealth problem that I have from time to time. I am starting my next semester starting Sept. 8th onwards, until then I am just going to keep working on this personal project of mines and try and keep myself as busy as possible, until my ankle heals. This project and the gym are some of the best things to happen to me after a long time, but this feeling of happiness is something I trust very little now.. I dont know if that is a good thing or bad, cause i know good things come from Allah, and the rest from us or the shaytan Inshallah ill keep trying, suicide just came as a thought, and inshallah it wont even come to me as a thought anymore.. meaning i will be far from it. If you see people smiling never abuse them! By Allah never come close to hating them.. my elder brother, my family follows this rule for some reason.. one person smiles more than the other, we end up biting our heads off.. but i believe we are good people.. i always thought that.. but life has taken me by the throat and is just shaking me wildly, over and over again and again.. Keep me in your prayers.. I know I have to keep trying.