It will get better.

I live alone in my house as well since my stbx separated. It was painful to start with. I tried sleeping in my office. Got a flu. Somehow nursed myself back to health.

Decided that I couldn't do that long term. Started sleeping at the house again. Didn't sleep more than 1-2 hours for a couple of weeks. There were nights spent in tears, with me clutching my chest as it pounded and hurt. Once almost called in a heart attack. Fortunately, it subsided. Fell ill a second time. Had high fever for three days. Spent one of them without water because I ran out and didn't feel like moving. Got through that.

You survive. You move on. You are a lot stronger than you think. Crying is ok. Buckling down in self-doubt isn't.

I avoid going into our former bedroom. The room where we had arguments about baby names. Babies that will never exist. I still dream of them sometimes when I indulge in the luxury of daydreaming. Someday I will bid them good bye. Hopeless hope is a self inflicted cruelty. Don't do that to yourself.

My new cover story for red eyes and occasional wetness in eyes at work is allergies. Holding up so far. Some coworkers know what is going on. They are discreet. I am blessed to have them.

Three weeks further down, I have a lump in my throat most of the time I am here. She visits sometimes. But that makes no difference to my pain. I am almost always just a couple of sentences away from crying.

Grief (since I consider the woman I married to have died and have been replaced by this unloving zombie) takes many forms.

Last night, I slept for 4 hours without a night terror for the first time in months. A hard game of tennis had helped exhaust me. Today, I spent most of the day working and sobbing. I try to laugh at it. I call it wobbing. It's more productive to not mix the two, but hey I will take it.

I know this pain will be with me for years. That is the risk you take when you invest yourself 100% into an unworthy person.

A man's solace is his work. I am fortunately busy.

Try to be busy. It will hurt for a long long time. But it will get better. Slowly. Not fast enough. But just as a Venusian sun sets slowly, so does a man's love.