Put the crush aside. It means nothing. There's no "perfect match". Every relationship needs work.

I do agree. I'm not pursuing this woman it just reinforced my "what if" feelings that have been swirling around for years.

If she refuses to change or thinks she's blameless, you'll probably be at an impasse. (Every now and again it seems people come up in the relationship reddit where their partner's opinion is basically "we would both be happy if you would just shut up about being unhappy").

It's complicated. When she isn't to blame and it's something out of her control, she blames herself. When it is something within her control, it's either not a problem or it's my fault. Either way she ends up furious at me. I haven't figured out how to navigate that.

I do feel like if she wasn't constantly unhappy it would improve things. Or if I felt like something made a difference to her attitude or our life. Some days I really feel like she doesn't even like me.