Haven't taken minox because I'm not made of time and cannot be arsed.

Minox takes like 5 minutes max to apply and massage thoroughly. Takes much fewer amount of time if you don't care about massaging it thoroughly. I'm not saying you should definitely use it but some people don't see much regrowth without using minox.

I use matte hair paste and hair spray to look like an almost full, receding head of hair. Using a small amount of topic, reckon I can fool the world in to seeing a thick head of hair?

At least in my case, Toppik doesn't improve the volume of the hair much, it just covers up the thinning spots, and it does that very nicely. So if you're looking to style your hair pompadour or something like that, it might not be possible.

I live in a rainy, incredibly windy spot. How's toppik gonna hold up?

A little bit of drizzle is quite fine, but full on rain is going to ruin it. So carry an umbrella all the time if you're planning on using toppik. It's kind of wind resistant, but again, if it's a very strong wind, it might blow some of toppik away. But you might be able to hold them together if you the fiberhold spray or some other hair spray product. I don't know about this for sure though since I don't really use much hair spray and I don't live in a very windy place.

Sleeping. Is it gonna comed off? How's it going to look on the walk of shame/the morning after a night out?

If you're a rowdy sleeper it might comes off a little bit on your pillow, just apply some more toppik if need be. If you're gonna have sex with someone, you might want to know that toppik can come off on someone's hand if they run through your hair where toppik is sprinkled. It's a little bit of a see but no touching product.