Normal Worm Content Warning. Seriously heavy stuff.

You are the second of five children, and you've always been the compliant one. Your mother dies when you are very young. Your youngest brother is special needs, and your entire family comes together to help and manage him. He eventually passes away as well. Your older brother gets attention and love because he's the oldest and most demanding. Your younger sister gets favored for being the only girl. And your father sees your younger remaining brother as a copy of himself, making him the favorite. You're bullied at school all throughout school, but you always fight back, so you're labeled as a problem child there too. Because of this you're online schooled instead of going to middle school. You enter high school a couple of years early with your older brother. You obviously have few friends, because you're not mature, and you aren't the most attractive, charismatic, or athletic, out of any group, but you are the most intelligent. That's all you've got, so you drive yourself to succeed. You always conform to others expectations and define yourself by how they see you, so you're the smart immature nerd who can be abrasive. A couple of years into high school, you're suddenly around people your age again, but they expect you to be more mature than them, so you become that.

Eventually you realize you're not happy. You start thinking on your own some. You try to tell your father about how you don't feel loved unless you've just accomplished something great, but even that approval is getting harder to come by. He, as per the norm, takes it all as a personal attack and threatens violence if you don't go back to compliance. You try to do that, but it's extremely difficult, defined by periods of anxiety and depression punctuated by short periods of anger and frustration that only make it worse. You don't know who you are except that you hate your existence. That leads into ahem internet substance abuse that is a cycle of doing it, self loathing, trying to get clean and repent in your religion, only to relapse. Often you dissociate yourself from your life and problems, and that's as close to relaxing as you ever get. Eventually you don't feel worthy of love. But your public image and grades never slip, you're the goofy nerd who's smarter than everyone but bashful about it, and your grades are the best. You have two saving graces, you finally meet a group of similarly intelligent friends, a couple of which are girls you can share some of your problems with, but never all and never enough. Often though they often exclude or ignore you unintentionally and are inconsiderate, so you freak out on them but then calm down and things go back to normal. You blame your unhealthy attachment to people, fear and paranoia of losing them instead of them being bad friends, and move on. Your other saving grace is your mother's sister, who likes it when you visit once or twice a year and who likes to treat you like the world revolves around you during those times. You don't really talk outside of then, but those times are nice.

You graduate as Valedictorian, and go to college. It's so much harder than high school, and you're destroying your mental and emotional health, but some day you'll be rewarded for your efforts and impeccable grades. You live for the weekends you get to spend with your high school friends though, where you get to have fun and feel liked and welcome.

Finally the actual trigger. Hope I didn't put too much background :P You've just spent a few days with your aunt over a short school break, and you've decided to come home a few days early despite enjoying it so much and your aunt wanting you to stay, all so you can spend some time with your friends too. You try to contact them the day before, but you only get wish washy responses. The day rolls around, and you're desperately trying to contact them and get things set up. Texts, DMs in chats, calls, nothing is working. As home approaches, all you feel is dread. Anxiety and fear that they're excluding you, they don't like you, that you're losing them. You tell yourself you're wrong, that it isn't true, that you'll go to one of their houses and check and bring chocolates to share and everything will be great. As you go to the house, everyone's there except the ones that normally provide support. You're hurt beyond words. One of them answers the door and runs back down to the basement, where they're playing video games and having a great time, without you. You try to shove the emotion deep down like normal, but you can't stop crying. You walk by them in front of the screen and go sit in the corner, every moment growing more emotional and hurt. You want so desperately to say or do something spiteful, but you can't bring yourself to. You want so desperately for them to notice, to care, and not because you forced them too. One offers a controller to let you play, and you try to say something cutting and gurgle it out pitifully, then run upstairs crying. You can hear them go back to having fun and being normal, and you feel worse than you've ever felt before. You try calling people, but none pick up. You're not worthy of God helping, and not even dying would bring you somewhere better. You've pushed away your aunt when she wanted to be of help. Not even your best efforts have won your fathers affection, and even they are outshined by some others. You so desperately want them to notice you, to care. You see the knives in the kitchen, and grab one. You know how to make them notice you, how to make them hurt without physically hurting them. As you stare at the knife and feel the resolve to use it take hold, you realize you've never thought about hurting yourself.

Your world shatters. A different cycle this time.