I appreciate your alternate perspective to this.
I think the biggest assumption of all of these comments is that I want things to remain the same and still be "besties" (which, to be honest, i have not even really decided yet) and a lot of people seem shocked for the way I have handled it considering we have been "best friends" for so long, under the assumption that we still will be.
I think what has gone unspoken here, and definitely on my end, is that maybe I'm just realizing how good of friends we really are, or aren't. And, no, thats not her fault. It is just a bitter realization for me, thats all. A lot has changed since I moved away. I was counting on this being one of those "we will be friends forever!" scenarios, but I'm not sure that will be the case. Whether its by my hand or hers.
I am not trying to be a dick head, or a "mean girl" or petty or a liar or anything like that. I probably got a little too liberal in expressing exactly what was going on in my head, and a lot of commenters took that at face value like I am actually on the brink of tossing someone out of my life for good, as if I dont have a heart. It's not my intention.
And no, as of late, I have not really been "butt hurt" about it. I figured since she sent me the text yesterday, if anyone cared, I would post an update. I didn't expect it to blow up in a "TALK TO HER" war, coupled with name calling and other oddly off the wall assumptions about me, her, and our friendship. I'm mostly at peace with it, knowing that this iis an active choice on my end on how to handle the situation. I am not a victim here. If she had it her way, I would still be one of her closest friends, yet not involved at all with her special day. Sorry, but to me, that just doesn't fly. Its kinda similar to a guy wanting to date two women, or multiple women, at the same time, but telling you how important you are to him. It just feels tacky and not real at this point, and I'm not going to buy into it.
For what its worth, if the whole "should she be in my wedding or not" scenario was at all a big / heavy / painful / stressful decision for her to make, I can think of about a thousand and one better ways to handle it than shooting me a text about it literally the day after she got engaged. Its not as if she is balls deep in the planning. It was a flippant response, almost as if it has already been decided and thought of prior. Although the outcome would inevitably be the same, the delivery was particularly insensitive for someone who you are all defending so strongly.
I also have retorted back to the "talk to her" comments because no. I dont want to. At least, not yet. Why? Because I am still feeling hurt over the whole thing, and when I do talk to her, I want to make sure i am level headed and dont say something stupid like "How did the molesters make the cut but your best friend didn't?!. You know, just trying to think shit through before I open my mouth. Because that right there would be friendship-ending shit. I think we eventually will discuss it again, yes, but like you said, it doesn't really change anything. I have sort of played with this scenario in my head a few times and I am having a really hard time coming to terms with everything we have been through together, but not being a part of her wedding. I know that it sounds petty. I know that it shouldn't be a big deal, but to me, it is.
I have been her shoulder for some of her worst days, but I don't get the honor to be there for her on her best day?
You're all right, in your own ways. I get to decide how big of a deal I want to make this, or not. I get to decide to "throw away a 20 year friendship" over someone taking me for granted, or not. I get to decide how much of myself I want to continue to put out there to a person who hasn't asked me a thing about myself in the last 3 months.
And, I think my last mistake in this post was making a mountain out of a mole hill of what our friendship is (was). You know, when things are great, you can't really imagine your life without that person next to you. But when things go sour, you have a choice to re-evaluate whether you want to turn the page and give it up? Or fight for it. I have been doing a lot of re-evaluating on the fight for it or give it up train of thought....And, while I can confidently say I dont want to permanently remove her from my life (although, I live 2300 miles away, wouldn't be challenging), I can't say that our friendship deserves the pedestal i was previously putting it on.
To me, I romanticized the friendship in my mind. Thats not fair to her. And, its not fair to myself. If anything, this whole situation has just made me get a lot more real with myself, and in turn, her.
I do wish her the best. I will be there for her. But I'm not going to break my back to answer her calls in the middle of the day anymore (time difference, ya know) or talk her off her psychopathic ledge when she feels like shutting down with this relationship because of flashbacks of her abuse (which, has happened in relationships prior).
I think I will have a lot less resentments towards this whole thing when it evens out a bit and I start giving to her in a more proportional way to how she has given to me. Not how friendships / relationships work? Bullshit. I'm not a door mat. You get 100% of my loyalty, love, friendship, etc, but I need that from you, too. And, if drawing boundaries in my personal relationships is bitchy, or "mean girl"ish or whatever, then, i guess it is what it is.