Damn it, don't steal my post. I totally hopped on Reddit to make your post.

I got tested today too, after more than 3 years of being too afraid to.

I work part-time for an LGBT charity. Officially I get paid to do office work and handyman shit, but most of my time in practice is working with younger gay men. I spend a lot of my time encouraging safe sex, harm reduction, regular testing, educating, and generally trying to keep little gay boys from getting their cute little asses pozzed.

I know HIV pretty damn well. Probably as well as anyone without medical training does. I've got poz friends. My ex is poz. I know all about the medical side of it, the social side of it, the emotional side of it. I know all about its treatment and prevention. I'm inside the head of risk takers because that's my own personality.

And here I am slutting it around bareback. I've had a couple dozen unprotected partners in hundreds of sex acts since my last HIV test, a few even with guys I knew were HIV+ and not on treatment. Okay, whatever, it's risky and stupid but I wouldn't judge too harshly if it were another guy, so maybe I can forgive myself for that bit. It's just part of my stupid macho idiot nature and I'm too old to change now.

But not getting tested regularly? Not going on treatment if I'm positive? Exposing my hookups to HIV? How much of a fucking asshole could I be? Irresponsible. Hypocritical. Psychopathic. Cowardly.

So I was having such lovely thoughts about myself this morning at work and decided fuck it, get tested.

I ask my friend at work if she'll do an HIV test on me. Now yeah, I'm trained to administer our POC rapid test, but I don't know if I could have done it to myself, I was actually shaking pretty badly by this point.

And I'm HIV-. It's an odd feeling. I had basically assumed I was HIV+. I had gotten used to thinking of myself as positive, almost.

I don't know if my sexual behaviour is going to change. Maybe a little, I hope. But one thing is gonna change. I'm going to be tested regularly from now on.