Dan Savage has a saying that goes, all relationships end. Sometimes they end ten minutes in, sometimes they end at till death do us part, but they all end. There's no achievement award for sticking it out the longest or the hardest. Everything in this post screams: THIS IS OVER! It is over because your trust in him is broken, because he's violent, because he's not supportive around the house, because you're sleeping with someone else, because you don't like being married to him. Its done. You can hang around as long as you like, you can physically stay in the building and in the contract of marriage, but none of that is going to resurrect the relationship.

You know the truth already. It's there, a hard little crystal in your mind. You don't need me or anyone else to tell you what you have to do. It's just now about doing it. I'm not trying to pretend that's easy! It isn't. But that's all you have left to do.

All of that being said, because you share a kid it isn't over. Not really. You have years left of being in this person's life and sharing a relationship with him by way of your child. Because of that, and only because of that, I am going to give you some hard advice. It might sound unsupportive, but I think it is the most supportive thing someone can tell you. You have to drop the martyrdom. A lot of this post reads as "Look at all the bad things he did to me" and that's totally valid. He did a whole pile of awful things to you and you have every reason to list every shitty thing he's done to you on a loop. You have every right to wallow. That can feel good.

But what gets you out, what makes this transformative and powerful, is the moment you become an agent in the events. Yes, he lied. But you heard those lies and you stayed. You found out about the women and you stayed. You found out about the high school diploma and you stayed. I am not saying this to be a jerk. Everyone has done it, there's absolutely no shame in it. You wanted to believe in change, you wanted to believe the best in him. You tried really hard. But the power you get from owning your own role in the events, the power you get from acknowledging that you hung around when you didn't have to, is that you can retake your control over how you are treated. You will know better next time. When someone tells you who they are, you can believe them and not stand around for seven years hoping they decide to improve. You can take control over this situation because you know now what you didn't know then and you can go back out in the world armed with that knowledge. These aren't tragedies falling on your head from the sky, but life lessons that you have to live to learn. You have earned this life lesson the hard way and you deserve the acknowledgement of that.

You don't have to be treated this way. You can leave at the first lie, not the 700th. You don't have to let anyone talk to you that way. You don't have to stay with someone who perpetually doesn't have their shit together. You are not a home for broken toys. You've been there, you've done that, you got the tee-shirt. That era of your life is over. It doesn't have to be about him anymore! It doesn't have to be about his problems, his challenges, his fears, his lies, what he did or didn't do. He is not your problem anymore. You can make this about you, about choices you made and choices you're strong enough to make now. You've spent too many years, FAR too many years, making it about him and his needs.

Now you get to come first.