Here you go!
Oh boy, Oh boy do I understand the funky preacher man!
My mother passed away Chistmas 2006. I was 22 and fairly new to this being an orphan/adult thing. Funeral arrangements are a bitch, BUT, my mother died out of state so there added expenses/decisions/stress etc... I wasn't really in a great place (for multiple obvious reasons). I managed to get through everything but the preacher.
However, my Uncle was an ordained minister who had preached at prisons. I asked him if he wanted to lead the service and eulogy, it would have meant so much to me and the rest of the family. He agreed. He was excited to do this final thing for his sister. Well, he backed out the night before the funeral. Awesome. I'm atheist, and he was the only preacher I knew. I voiced this opinion to him and he said that he had already thought about that, and to make it easier on me he asked a preacher friend to stand in his place. Great! I emailed the preacher with the basics about my mother and whatnot. He seemed friendly.
Fast forward to the funeral. I get to meet the preacher. He is a giant of a man. No joke, my husband is 6 ft 3 and he looked tiny next to this man. Cool, whatevs. And he is German. Okay, whatevs. He migrated here about a year ago. He spoke English well, I was impressed. And then. Annnnd then. "Oh, I immigrated to America because I relized that it was God's voice I was hearing". Say what?! "Yes, it was an amazing revelation. God told me that I needed to come to America and become a preacher. So, I studied and I chose Southern Baptist." Oh. Fucking. Boy. This oughtta be fun. If these events occurred now, I'm not entirely sure how I would handle things, but it would NOT be to let a Schizophrenic Southern Baptist lead my mother's funeral. He started the service out fine, and I let out a mental sigh of relief. But then, he said "I received email communications from Seamonkeysee, and Seamonkeysee is not an honest person. Seamonkeysee's mother is going to hell. Her soul is lost to God. And so is every soul in this room. You are all going to hell. God has told me this news and I tell you now so that you have a chance to save yourselves unlike Seamonkeysee's mother". Rinse and repeat for 45 minutes. My family broke into two sections, one set was crying and begging for forgiveness and the other set just sat in stunned silence. I laughed. Out loud.
After the funeral was over, everyone was sort of milling around and talking. My Uncle approaches me and asks if he can talk to me in private about the preacher. Hell yeah! We go into a small back room that was made for such things. The preacher is there along with four other people. Oh yay! I walk roughly five feet into the room(which isn't terribly big, maybe enough room for 10-12 people), and my Uncle shuts the door, stands in front of it and informs me that he, the preacher, and these random people, are going to "lay hands" on me. Nope. Fuck that. I lose my shit. Uncle finally lets me out cause I'm a crazy woman. Daughter like mother. I exit said room, light a cigarette(yep, bad habit) on the way out of the funeral home. Get outside annnnd four members of my family are having a fistfight in the parking lot. 0/10 Would not do again.
Tl;Dr Family has a brawl in the parking lot after my mother's funeral is led by a German, Schizophrenic Southern Baptist preacher.