When I was five my stepfather raped me for the first time. And he made me believe that he did it to me because I liked going to flower gardens. That was so upsetting and confusing and horrible. I have always been most upset by that. Also when he would punish me for his sexual attraction to me. I was just being a carefree kid. Also before he started abusing me he was a creep about me eating a popsicle and then he made me give him oral sex. Just some of these little details stand out. I guess all the places where I was confused and didn't understand what was happening until it happened. Also pretty mad that he would grab me in my underwear and be roughly touching me all over and my mother didn't stop him. She took pictures. I'm really mad that when I told my mother at age 13 that she said I was making it up to get attention and pushed me out of her room and closed the door on me while I was crying. And the only reason I told her was because she said she was worried that I had been sexually abused. And then later when I tried to address that she said I must have done something to cause her to say that. Ok, there are a lot of things I am mad at my mother about. He hit me. He held a knife to my throat. He said sadistic sexual things. And she didn't kick him out. When testifying she protected herself and I protected her. She expected me to deny my real feelings in order to conform to her fantasy wishes. But, she would make a big show telling everyone that she always apologizes to me. She would tell me I wasn't allowed to ever be angry with her because a long timrle ago she told me that someday I might be mad at her. So, therefore because she said it. It means I already had my chance, Iland therefor had no right to ever feel mad because people shoukd only feel mad about not being told that it's ok to be mad. It makes no sense. She makes no sense. Also when I was 16 and weighed 98 pounds, she told me I was getting fat nand going to be fat my whole life unless I stopped eating like a teenager. So, then I weighed 88 pounds and had health issues. And she allowed friends to treat me badly and she supported them and not me. And she just writes this all off as that she must have had bad karma (not that she made bad choices).