Oh boy.

Well my dad once told me "Any woman who doesn't want a baby by 30 is probably a lesbian", but I don't know if that counts as dating advice.

He also once told me "Marry for money, divorce for money, remarry for love." Funny, considering he just left my mom 2 years ago for his hairdresser, a woman 20 years his junior, who goes by the name Candy (I couldn't make this shit up).

His version of the "sex talk" was "Have a fun and inventive sex life honey!" I was 15.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, we have my Italian American Catholic mother. She once came downstairs at 11pm and threw a fit, complete with hurling items at me, because my high school boyfriend and I were "sleeping together". We had fallen asleep in the same room, on opposite couches but that didn't matter. All that mattered is the neighbors would see him leave the house at an "inappropriate hour".

When I got my tongue pierced she snarled "I know what that's used for." My response of "I have it on good authority it doesn't make much of a difference" did not amuse her.

Weirdly, she super encouraged make-up (starting at age 12) and frequently told me I'd never find a boyfriend if I didn't get more feminine. She also told me men would only date me "as a joke" unless I "shaped up" to her standards. She's a peach.

Mostly my mother also strongly encouraged me to look for wealthy white men. She said some really gross things when I had a crush on a black friend once. She identifies as "liberal" but in a "as long as it's not my kid" kind of way. She also encouraged me to stay with abusive partners because their parents were pillars of the community, or because they had an "impressive job".