I am going through it now. While my mother was battling cancer, I very nearly died of COVID19 (intensive care, ventilator, spent an entire month in hospital), despite not having any risk markers and being young. Shortly after I left hospital, my country locked down, and a bit after that my previously supportive girlfriend left me suddenly. After months of recovery I am feeling better physically now, but I have just been denied a routine promotion in work which wouldn’t be the case had I not been out for 5 months. I thought they would have more compassion than that.

It is too early to tell what I will learn. But if anything, when I was certain I was going to die I learned a lot of people loved me (even if I have been left down by work and my ex), and though I feel suicidal on days at the moment I learned that I don’t actually want to die, when I thought I would I certainly did not want to. I learned that most of life’s problems are not worth worrying about. It’s not completely at the level of intuition yet, but I am never gonna allow myself to feel worried about trivial things again. There is something to be said about front loading this level of suffering, little things like being anxious at a party, being rejected, minor financial worries, etc etc. I have certainly faced much worse. Most people are more resilient than they think they are.