Bored to tears during the meetings. Felt guilty about it even though i absorbed nearly all of it. I dare anyone here to moch debate me on their best talking points. Converted an older woman when i was 10. I am so sorry. Could not grasp why i was so bored with it. Didn't nake sense why it had to be that way. Always promised myself i'd be a better little jw next meeting and try to enjoy more. I did not realize back then how already i was questioning why God needed to make me a zombie to save me. Something was off. At 14 i saw a UFO. Silver orb deadbolt in the sky over clear skies at a sshopping mall parking lot. Frozen in place like time or gravity did not exist. Metal glistening. It's not that i am inclined to think it was alien. Just that when i told an elder sometime later, he pretty much laughed in my face and made me out to feel like some kind of liar. But i know what i saw. Didn't hit me as hard as it would years later, as i struggled with my faith. Father was worldly and never in. Drank a lot and beat me and my brother up a few times. This reinforced my views in childhood that mom had the truth. Then he came around to visit one day and tried to talk about the bible with me for once. Planted a seed of doubt by showing me a text describing God's bad spirit. The one that entered Saul. I didn't accept it even though it was clear as day in front of me. The Bible said God had an evil spirit. A real and undeniable contradiction. I debated it fiercely. In the end my dad said i should be a lawyer and left it at that. Walked out of my life for the second time soon after. But i always thought about that text. Had a friend in High School with amazing artistic skill. I would say even better than mine. His mother a well known catholic in a famous town we were from. By this time i am one foot in and one out. I still try to relay what i think i know about the end of times. That programming kicking in. If i can't save myself, let me at least try to save my friend. His mother catches wind of all the jw knowledge i am spewing. Somewhere in that i arrogantly point out how fraught the Catholic church is with pedophiles. She wants to meet with me one day to discuss. Through the course if time my friend and his mom point things out to me. Silent Lamb documentary and they try to ask my thoughts on Russell being buried under a Pyramid. I laugh it off in my head thinking they mean an actual Egyptian pyramid. No, not likely and i roll my eyes. Impregnated a sister when i was 22. Epic turning point. Did the confessions. We both were reprieved. Got married and had our son. My intentions as toward het and God were honorable. Made a mistake. I now wanted to do right. But something was amiss. Maybe i had started seeing more then. About the process. About how others lied and got away. My eyes opened to many new situations i had been ignoring up until then. One thing was undeniable. Depression started setting in harder than ever. Faster than ever. I was fading, also. Despite this i found a way to stave it off and fight back. Then, two planes slam into two towers. I really need to get back to Kingdom Hall. Nope, i flake of months later. I decide i cant let depression dominate me so i do what i can to fight ha later, i am very harder. Try to focus on a job. Try to run and be fit. Try not to think of 9/11. Finally, happy working in New York at a famous comic book company. I am working the bull pen, doing artwork corrections. I get to work on some promo ads and posters for their movies, too. Working there with my best friend from High School just as we always said we would. Life is good. Don't have a car at this time so to some occasions my mom is kind enough to drop me off at the path. One fine morning as i'm getting out of the car she tells me, "I know you're happy with your job but remember that Armageddon draws near." How encouraging to pick that time of the morning to tell me that. I try to ignore it but the brainwashing is kicking in again. I want to do the right thing before God. I spiral downward a bit that day. Some weeks latet a bit more more. Some months after i lose my job. I fight life back but am not equipped to deal for the next 12 or so years i keep spiraling. A job here a job there. My friend moves on with his career. Does great things. Works with great people in the industry. Creators of great film properties. Works with the creator of a great zombie show on television. Reddit knows the one. I am truly proud and happy for him. I go on to raising two kids and struggling with depression. My kids are my only redemption and salvation. But i go on to struggle meagerly. Programming and web development at one time which was ok. Then cooking and cleaning at restaurant kitchens. My friend goes on to his dream career. I go on to discover i have Aspergers. Something i could have caught earky on. But only you here can understand what the watchtower has said about seeing psychologists in the past. I mean, you may as well go see a palm reader when it comes to these people. Started looking harder at things. Found all the child abuse cases out there. Found the UN ngo. Found the 1914 fallacy. Found the false prophecies of the end of the world. All of them as thete are many. Gound the 1975 fiasco and found the lies in the denial that they never stood on a platform abd specified 1975. Thought of the size if the universe one day and it all came crashing down. The boredom in the meetings, the UFO, the child abuse, the pyramid, my life, everything. Kept falling apart. Spiriling further. Drinking. Secret alcoholism. Everything i knew is a lie. This can't be. It can't. Tried to go back to the meetings. Tried to believe Satan had his claws in me. He had to be the one behind that orb. He had to have tricked Russell to get that pyramid. He wants me bad. Dragging my kids to the meetings. I am in my 30s now. Life is halway done. I'm still confused as hell. One Sunday a visiting CO takes to the stage. Catches my eye. Sounds like he is from the south. They introduce him as visiting from Texas. His name was easy to remember for me. During his talk i can't help but notice his style of speaking is exactly like those from the evangelical Christians of TV. This nags at me because i've always associated a fakery to these types. Now there was one here? Interesting. Strange. Tried to be a good jw for once. Don't think bad about Jehovah's people. After the meeting is over i go to shake his hand. Say thanks. Reaches out kindly to me one hand on my shoulder and one on my hand, eyes squinting in his smile, without even saying hello, "Brother, keep doing what you are doing." This threw me off big time. Got some more fakery vibes. What i had been doing is not going to the meetings. What i had been doing is questioning this whole organization. Tried to refocus my mind. Think about your kids. Stay on track here and ask jim for help. He is a CO. So i did. He smiled took my number and said hed call the next day. I prayed to Jah and asked that he deliver to me the life changing phone call i needed. Did not want to see these CO as the roving watchtower security guards i saw them as. The congregation field reporters for HQ. I wanted to see the Holy men that the Holy Spirit had selected. I wanted an encounter with God to help me resolve all the anguish and maelstrom of my past past. Next day that phone call nevet came. Did not come the day after. Nor the day after that. I was looking for you, God, one last time and you never answered! Or maybe you did. On the third day, i call him. He picks up and shuffles about on his end. I am sitting alone at night in a park, emotionally battered. Cops are stingraying my phone about a block away. I really don't care. I am going to say what i want to say. I get on and tell him how i was let down. How i waited for his call. How this was a turning point for me and was looking to Jehovah one last time. He apologized but also laughed it off a bit. Like i was being a bit ludicrous. Said things just got very busy for him. Asked me if i was an emotional person. As if to suggest that there was no need for my sadness. In the end, that i may need to see a professional. Maybe the most sound advice any JW gave me. Ironic. Ironic because some time after that, he was on the news for child molestation charges and a suit. Six different accusers across a chain of congregations in Texas. Caught the first article on the web. Mugshot plasteted all over the web. What's worst was finding out it went back some years. Bethel knew and just let him keep moving about. Let him keep going hall to hall. House to house. Until, one day, he was in the same room as my kids. But thats okay and all because forgiveness. They get up on that platform and chastize the Catholic denominations and condemn others for atrocious sins but when it comes to their own, its quite alright. Forgiveness. Showed my mom and became enraged. I became outraged and filled with hate. Yelling on my part. Rage. Hate toward her for denying the article as posted on the web. Hate for seeing how she tried to shift blame to the victims. hHate and pure anger for attempting to avoid confronting the facts. That she had wasted a large portion of both our lives with this watchtower bullshit. That my children were even endangered over it. It was over. I was totally, mentally out. I am now spending my days exercising. I run a lot. I am learning all the things i wish i could have learned about myself. Even this late in life i keep uncovering abilities i have that i didnt know of. Skills and talents i was squandering. Things i could have done great things with had it not been for them. It's late in life but my life is not over and if i am gonna go, excuse me for ending in a cliche, im going out with a bang.