What happened to you as a child that still fucks with your head/life? (serious)

(throwaway account for obvious reasons) This is really a TL;DR and I'm missing a lot of details of a much broader fucked up childhood, but let's see. It's hard to put everything into a single reply.

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Parents:

Born to an immigrant family who's lost about 90% of their relatives in the holocaust who've all had terrible anxiety issues. My parents both hated their lives and both could not move an inch from their own self interests so instead of resolving their issues they would just fight over everything. They got divorced when I was about 4 (~9 years of marriage). I never knew what a normal relationship looks like, whenever I look at other's relationships they appear so fucked up and full of self interest and people look so "blind" to me. I know my brain is wired wrong but that's just too hard to shake.

Dad used us as a way to get even with my mom both financially and emotionally (because he had to pay her for raising us). For example he used to write little notes about all the little things he bought us like candy then ask our mom to pay back half. My mom had a shitty job while my dad had en executive military sector job and had way more money than her, yet he would never buy me presents and the only stuff he did buy would have to be the cheapest shit you could find for the 'best' bargain, otherwise forget about it. So I have money issues (afraid to spend) and whenever I receive a gift I can't really enjoy it and associate it with having to repay someone financially and emotionally. He would never trust me with anything even though I've constantly proven to him that I'm very good at certain things (like navigating a map on the road, or drilling holes in the wall, etc). He would make the same mistakes over and over while I would be right over and over yet he would never admit his fault and tell me "good boy" or anything like that. So that obviously built an anxiety in me that I'm probably shitty at everything I do and that even if I give my 100% it will never be ebough. He could never be wrong and I was always wrong (not in reality but that's the impression he constantly gave me). So I must be wrong all the time. Oh and he never ever ever ever hugged me, I don't have a single memory of that. So I'm probably not worth even a hug.

So overall my dad left me with a feeling that I don't deserve anything in life. That I'm worthless and that I was a total mistake.

Mom left the house a few nights (those that I can remember) out of angst because she couldn't handle us kids alone anymore and was too stressed. I also recall she threatened me with a belt a few times though I honestly don't remember if she ever really beat me. My mom was in constant anxiety (the cigarettes probably didn't help). So I was left with terrible desertion anxiety and overall that everything in life is supposed to scare me.

My sister was basically the princess of the house. Everybody had to do her bidding and she would get way more stuff than me. If she wanted something and didn't get it she'd just go on an anger tantrum and later that day get her wish. That probably added more to the "worthlessness" of my life.

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School:

I was bullied in school constantly. There was this kid who's life long mission was to make my life miserable. I was always last to be picked to sports. Teachers would always try to find "the middle ground" even though it just ended up with the kids knowing they'll get away with anything. Fuck school. So the that left me with a feeling that the education system isn't for me. That even the system that is supposed to protect me doesn't give a shit. I went to college but had terrible anxiety issues whenever I went into class or got into a test. Couldn't handle it at a certain point. I ended up becoming very auto-didact because of this, but it would probably have been better if I could get some diploma to prove my knowledge.

So an overall feeling that people are bad, don't be around people, they'll hurt you, better stay at home play games or watch a movie. Oh wait even home is shit and the people around you hate you and want to hurt you. Get out of home as soon as possible, get a job as soon as possible so you can finance yourself and get away from this shit. Oh wait now you have money and a good job but you still have anxiety about money and that you'll probably starve tomorrow. Friend gives you something because he likes you, he probably wants something from you. You'll have to repay him later on and it'll hurt. Want a girl? Forget about it girls are shit and they only want your money and and will break your heart. Maybe try men? Naw men are pigs that don't give a shit about you and there's an even bigger chance they'll hurt you. Always be at your 100% and never show a weakness, if you show a weakness someone will find out and use that to hurt you. Your employer, he wants your 120% or he'll fire you on the spot. The fantasy creatures you like creating in your mind and on canvas will never hurt you. They're great. Whenever you can just stay at home, don't go out, out is bad. Fantasy realms are better than real life, go imagine you're living around dragons and knights and forget about all this shit.

P.S. I have anxiety but I don't have schizophrenia in case it sounds like it.

/r/AskReddit Thread