This should be the plot of a movie with Liam Neeson, as an aging and disillusioned bachelor who never saw the benefit of family before it was too late and is having a meltdown.

"If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't even have a job. I'm not sure I actually have a kid either sometimes. But what I do have is a bottle of Grey Goose and a very peculiar set of skills obtained at my previous job at the taco factory, as an assembly line worker. Skills, plus all the repressed anger that came along with it, that I have absorbed over time while trying to maintain a ridiculous dead end of a career. Repressed anger thar that make me a bitter nightmare to babysitters like you. If you let my daughter go now, if you even took her, I won't have to fold you in like I have with so many tacos.