Lately it's been thinking about and ex and what they're doing. We've recently "reconnected" over social media and with that I found out that they've moved on and are with someone they see a long term connection with. It's very strange to see what three years can do to a person. I see where they are and I look at myself and I just wonder how that can happen to two people who at one time saw a future. I've dated a few people but it was never serious. Things with this SO felt very different, almost like a movie. Really made me feel like I could relate to a person and not like I had to really try to make it work. It might have to do with the fact that they were the first person I let really really touch me since being raped at a young age which had triggered me into remembering some more sexual trauma. As it turns out, that trauma was the first thing I remember from coming into this world and lasted a few years. Getting the idea out of my head that since I came into this world of consciousness with something so terrible and the inevitable fact that I will go out of with death is something that I have yet to accomplish. It is easy to say that it has caused me to grow bitter towards people. The fact that they knew this and were okay with showing me what it felt like to have some control and then to abruptly leave hurt more than the actual breakup. Feeling loved was kind of a new thing for me. Feeling wanted in a way that still let me keep some innocence was what I really needed. I know I can't blame them. I have more baggage than I could ever expect someone to accept. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy that my ex found someone they can love. I felt guilty for a while about how I kind of just broke, and it makes me happy knowing that they did not take that too personally. It is just hard not to wish I was less breakable. Really not sure why I went all out on this. It's probably going to get buried anyway. I'm sorry, Nick. I hope you can still look back on our time together in a positive way. It wasn't your fault.