I was heavily abused as a child and brought up in the words of my brother “as a tool, like a hunting dog”. Because of the severe lack of care and the things I was forced to do growing up I’m really bad in romantic relationships and fear myself more than anything else. I’m a really, really soft guy I’ve come to discover in therapy but I have a hard time reconciling the hardened aggressive half of my duality that was critical for survival with the emotional loving side. Running joke amongst my remaining “family” is the dog nicknames I get with just “stray dog” being the most prominent (my best friend calls me a golden retriever though which I think is cute). I’m a pretty conventionally attractive/charismatic guy and kinda play the dating game on easy mode in the sense that I’ve never really had to try hard to get the attention of women but I do my best not to date because I’m terrified of intimacy and getting close to people both emotionally and physically. I fall hard for people who show me the slightest bit of affection and care because I’m so unaccustomed to it. I have a hard time understanding my romantic feelings for people and will go to extreme lengths to just get the smallest morsel of love or to feel wanted. I have a horrible habit of pulling away from my partners when I am suffering severely mentally and emotionally (the former lifestyle came with crippling depression PTSD and anxiety on top of some dissociative issues) and have come to understand that this hurts them and makes them feel rejected or like they’ve done something wrong but really I’m scared all the pain and bad in my head is going to affect them negatively. I’ve never been abusive or hurtful myself and swore I’d never be my parents/mentors, I’m just really scared of opening up and being hurt, rejected, or replaced. I’m currently trying to be friends with/win back this girl I’ve been essentially dating for the past year and it’s been difficult. I don’t have family anymore (essentially excommunicated and all my half siblings are all estranged beyond repair) and all my friends are superficial. She’s the light of my world and I broke down crying to her and told her how much she meant to me and apologized profusely for being the way I am. I genuinely think I’m getting better and i hope we’re gonna figure it out and be okay but I know some of this damage from a total lack of love for years might not be repairable. I’m scared to be alone but ive been conditioned over 26 years to lead this dumb vagabond life without connection or attachment that it’s proven extremely difficult to break from the mold.

TL;DR if it’s early enough in childhood it can really mess up a guy in the long run and damage the way you approach and function in all your relationships.