I'm in the midst of it now, over a year. After I lost my virginity the weekend before senior year, I never went more than a month or two without it. I was what you call a late bloomer, and also was one of those guys girls always liked (past tense) during school.

However, I was just too nervous to do anything. Girls were having sex starting in 5th grade, a lot of legit pedophilia, "hood pedophilia", it seemed normal, kind of, but a lot of girls in 6th grade were banging 20 year olds. To me, they looked so old to me, and well developed. But in retrospect, what the hell? (Side note, I read somewhere recently about the under reporting of said behavior in certain neighborhoods, definitely bolstered by my personal history).

Point being, girls offered things I would turn right red over, run away from and end up masturbating to at home. So, once I realized how great and noneventful it was, I kind of went too far. I mean non-eventful in thst you put so much stock into it as a kid and then when it happens you realize its just two people having a good time...

So, basicslly, after that I took advantage of every crush I knew about. I was super honest, and thus don't feel ultra terrible about it, but i hurt a lot of girls. I went to a larger school, 2,500 students. I made a goal to have sex with a different girl every week my senior year. I had the advantage of being in two big groups at the time, my HS and the neighborhood I was from (I was the only one from my part of the city to go to my school), so there was a wide pool to choose from. I told girls that I wanted to be open for that very reason, but still there was a lot of drama.

I made it about 2 months, "on track" and then landed this girl who I was basically in love with. We lasted a year and a half. And then after she left I went in a dorm room frenzy of tons of unprotected sex. Hours and hours of drunken nonsense. I was a mess. Super just dead inside and I was so resentful of women in general that I never even came. I turned into a monster.

A year into that I started seriously dating a girl, who I told I wanted to not be official with because I wanted to "experience college". After a personal implosion in which I lost every friend I had in one form or another. I latched onto that girl, it was a bad move all around, we had a very unhealthy relationship based on a lack of trust generated by our mutual understanding. That lasted five years.

After she left, I again started just being scum. I used whatever HS equity I had left to find girls on FB. Ended up with a bunch of married girl drama in a row. Lost my job over one instance of that. And relapsed in booze after a three year streak.

I got sober last May, and because of my history of terrible decisions when it comes to relationships and in general. I decided to follow the instructions of people and stay out of relationships, physical or otherwise until I sort through my own shit. But, I can say I am starting to feel it now. But, I look at it like I do drinking. I love it, and its fun, but the consequences aren't worth it anymore and I can't handle another death threat, restraining order from a grown man or suicide.

I've also gotten to the point where I've experienced enough to not need it as much. If that makes sense. Perhaps I'm maturing? Or perhaps it's just low testosterone brought on from BPD. Either expansion of the acronym. Either way, I'd rather watch a video or five and take care of myself than deal with the baggage that seems to accompany sex for me.

And that's sad. Because I am at the point where the act really needs to mean more for me. And I want that connection with someone. I took SO much for granted. I hurt so many people and burned so many bridges. I wish I could fix it for no other reason than to ... I don't know. People here tell me I'm crazy for blaming the suicides on me, but I still feel responsible for that and other issues that my behavior caused. Its hard online though, I get that. There's so much hyperbole and grandstanding, people bragging while "atoning", etc.

But I can say that I am a once in a lifetime asshole. Like, famous to everyone that has ever met me type asshole. A "what the fuck did you do? I just met a girl who knew you in HS and she couldn't believe I knew you! She said you were a god and a devil at the same time!" Type asshole. A "cant have facebook lest I want to hear daily "fuck yous" and payback" type asshole.

But I'm working on it....