Fucked up? I don't know, I guess the whole thing is, but I don't think there's a malicious bone in her body. It's just all very difficult and confusing.

We broke up at the end of last summer/beginning of the fall. It was very difficult on me and I went into an emotional downward spiral (drinking heavily, not sleeping, forgetting to shower, the usual).

By November of that year I was starting to get better, starting to heal, and even started dating someone.

Then my ex tells me she's moving across the country. I meet up with her to say goodbye and it's really hard on me. So I ask her to meet me again a few weeks later and tell her I want to move with her (I was still in love with her). She tells me "no" and how she wants me to find my own path in life, find my own happiness, etc.

And it really was fucking hard. The most painful thing that's ever happened to me.

I was massively depressed. Dumped the girl I had been dating for a minute.

But from the ashes came a new person.

I started working out, following my dreams (a career in comedy), and seriously working on getting a new job (because I hate my current one, a lot).

I've been feeling real good. I've been healing. I've been (gasp!) dating.

My ex and I have had a casual online email exchange thing since she moved. She needs a lot of help because she's had a rough time with some stuff that was outside of her control to where she moved. But in it all, I've really been trying to make it a "Hey, hope you're well, and here's to hoping you hope I'm well." sorta thing.

And then she emailed me last week. She misses me terribly.

And all the feelings came back. The missing her. The missing us. All of it.

And now I don't know what to do. I wrote her back. It was super emotional. And she hasn't written me back.

And now I just feel back to square one in a lot of ways. All that healing, all that progress. Just gone.

Haven't gone to the gym or written a comedy bit in the last two weeks. Been eating like shit. I'm casually dating a girl currently, but, I find it hard to keep an interest with her because I know if my ex told me to move out to where she lives, I would do it. I would do it in two seconds. I'd go completely nuclear on my life because I still love her.

And yeah.

I'm just a mess again.

TLDR: I'm a mess because my ex moved thousands of miles away, but misses me.