Things I have learned about myself as an INTJ in a relationship with an ESFP. Ironically we have little common ground and this is what I believe has made us compatible. Context: we met mid-pandemic at a bad time with us both out of fresh breakups. I have always been the one to end relationships and saw no need for this fling to continue. 2 years on and it has been the best relationship I’ve had. It hasn’t been easy by any stretch but here’s an honest recap of how we’ve succeeded:
As the dominant partner I am stubborn and blunt to a fault. My need for order and facts has been viewed as cold. Over time my partner has had to learn to not take it personally and find offence.
I am self-sufficient and do not need taking care of. For my partner this has proved challenging. She likes to feel needed and care. Her natural comforting approach has clashed with my intense need for privacy after a taxing day.
my ability to be self-sufficient has meant I’ve made big financial and life decisions without consulting my partner. I choose where I live, what I do. Any big changes are often initiated by me and when I’m ready. I see my earnings as mine. This is not personal. I just value autonomy.
this may sound like I’m a terrible partner but I am not. As it turns out we balance each other well. My partner introduced an aspect to my life that was sorely missing. I can honestly say I have had more fun in the everyday with her than anyone else I have let in. Her ability to laugh, be kind, question my ideas and sense what I’m feeling is important. She brings a light, feminine energy that counters my often bleak view of the world. This was particularly true in lockdown.
for a long time she accused me of not considering our future but this was not the case. As an INTJ I internalise my thinking and have slowly learned to better communicate future thoughts with her. Her sensitivity and energy is both infuriating to the introvert in me but infectious. It is both exciting and attractive.
I believe we have settled into a dynamic that appreciates our differences. I strongly suspected us cohabitating would be a disaster. However she busies herself with her friends and social life which allows me needed time to recharge alone.
TLDR: It’s not easy but as a logical man who regards relationships as an economical transaction that must benefit both parties the pros outweigh the cons. As a child my intuition scared people. As an adult with understanding of how rare INTJs are I am conscious we are perceived as cold and arrogant. To have found someone who loves me despite my walls has been surprisingly good. We have deep and meaningful convos and I am able to complement her spontaneity and emotion. Good luck man. Hope this helps from one INTJ to another. I do know how lonely it can feel even if you don’t show it.