I spent the past three years in an emotionally abusive relationship. The problem is, the entire time I honestly had no idea. She would always tell me how exceptional our relationship was, and how we never fought, and how honest and open we were with each other. All of these things were 100% true, but there was a catch.
I operated under the philosophy that you can never be the one that takes things too far. No matter how hurtful someone is to you, no low blows are ever justified. She probably felt the same way, I'm sure, but she had come out of a relationship that was considerably more abusive, and even physically so. She had been conditioned to fight back. This translated to her being considerably more aggressive than me, and I would always back down rather than escalate. This dynamic worked, but it wasn't healthy.
Someone once told me that the person that cares less has all of the power in a relationship. This was my first real relationship of my entire life, and I was, in all honesty, desperate to make it work. On the other hand, she was A. an attractive female and B. extremely disillusioned with relationships after her previous (dirt bag) boyfriend. She cared less, and she had all the power.
There were occasions when she would drink heavily and LAY into me hard, but this wasn't really a frequent occurrence. This wasn't wasn't really the abuse in question. It was far more subtle. It was a byproduct of our dynamic. The "walking on eggshells" phenomenon described in a post further down could not be more true. Before I knew it, I was a different person. Suddenly I was an introvert. Suddenly I had almost no hobbies and rarely saw my friends. This was first and foremost my own fault.
She made me feel uncomfortable being myself, especially around mutual friends, because of the way she would often roll her eyes or reprimand me for being "embarrassing" or "cringe-worthy." Early on, there were numerous occasions where I would say something minor and it would lead to a near-breakup. Next morning it would be as if it never happened.
She started working at a bar and drinking more, and she started hitting me playfully. I tried to like it, but I honestly didn't. One night she was particularly smashed and started doing it. I told her to stop, but she kept going, and she was hitting HARD. I couldn't help myself, I swung back. I regret it terribly. I didn't hit her that hard at all, but something triggered deep in her brain. She shut down, and some of the most hateful shit anyone has ever said to me. The next morning? She remembered none of it.
A few months later she cheated on me and we broke up for about 3 months, but eventually got back together because, quite honestly, we didn't meet anyone new that felt adequate. I couldn't help myself. She honestly treated me better from this point on. She was less cruel, less mean, but we'd already established that there was an expiration date.
We broke up about 6 months ago, due to the fact that she moved to NYC while I moved home to upstate NY, but we still continued to talk and see each other occasionally. I put in the lion's share of the effort, she didn't really do very much, but it still felt like we were together. It finally ended for real the last time I went down to see her and learned she'd begun seeing someone new. She claimed that "time" had helped her to move forward, but she was always pretty good at deluding herself. I knew the truth, even if she denied it. Also, two months isn't really a lot of time.... She was dating the guy within a week.
Now that I'm single I feel more like myself than ever. I have way more confidence, I'm far more outgoing. All of my friends tell me that I'm a far better person now, and pretty much everyone tells me I was too good for her. That's all well and good. I agree to an extent. I'm not blind to what it was. But I still miss her a lot.