“The voice of panic said: “How could you have forgotten me?” on my ear drum beating rapidly in my chest while I think other Things but It’s all very sporadic the action In my chest. I keep talking Normal Is it? Stutter My Thoughts get stopped Am I stuttering? I Can’t think Without thinking About this Stop This Pull yourself Out. Now.
But I know what it was It was that drink The one I used to get drunk Two nights ago With my meal It’s just coming around now That’s all it is
My heart beats faster Why’d I drink Coffee this morning? Did I eat lunch? Did? Did I smoke a cigarette? I feel pains now Was it that jog? That joint? The pains increase I swear they do I’m sweating My heart, starts Racing No. Faster Stop, stop, No. Sprinting Crescendo It’s too late.
Hospital? Now! Now? No. Vision? Blurry? Is it? Is this it? I grip an edge I did the corner into my palm I open a window Can you fix this? What if it’s not in your head? This is real This is real You need help I squint my eyes shut, I shudder a breath Call someone Call someone now This is real My throat tightens Can you breathe? My stomach tightens Vomit NO I force deep breaths If I vomit this is real My eyes prick. Sweat I blink I slip down to one knee If I vomit this is real I grip the porcelain NOO please I beg I breath My eyes prick. Not sweat. I plead Don’t please Call help Help I’m over Emergency Now NO. I make a noise. Anything Remind me where I am My lungs shudder In Out In Out In Out In Out
I sit, calmer. I no longer feel I’m in a movie But I This is real This isn’t in my head I lean back This isn’t an emergency This is real
I don’t know how But I always forget And I continue Until my sanity seems stagnant Those days of malaise Where I feel beige Faded I forget Until something A coffee A pain A wince Taps me on my ear drum With the rhythm of my heart beat And Reminds me With the voice of panic “I’m here”