Late to the thread... but came out of a very abusive marriage to a psychopathic asshole (he tried to strangle me to death on many occasions), then got engaged to a guy and found out he was chronically cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend... I tried to stay with him twice after that, but he kept going back to her...

So I break up with him, decide to go solo for a while, and then meet this guy walking past a coffee shop. He pursues me, we click, start dating, are officially boyfriend and girlfriend right before Halloween.

My ex-fiancee killed himself Nov 1st. He couldn't bare to see me with someone else. Wrote it to me in a text and left me a voicemail before he hung himself.

The kicker? I'm now pregnant, and I love my boyfriend, but I still have haunting dreams about my ex-fiancee, and in a lot of ways I feel like he was my true north and my soulmate despite everything he put me through because of the connection we had...

and my current boyfriend and I don't have much in common. Not much to connect on... and he doesn't really like my personality, wants me to change myself, and we're about to have a baby together.

I have so many conflicting thoughts on top of hormonal changes in general happening with this baby... I'm absolutely terrified and generally just in shock from all the changes in the past two years. I wake up not knowing where I am, or what timeframe of my life I'm even in, and even though I know my boyfriend truly loves me, I don't think he loves me for me. He loves me for my "mystique" and my "beauty". Those things fade... and I feel he's going to resent me.

I also have an eating disorder, so gaining weight with the baby has been super hard, on top of feeling unattractive. This is becoming a lot longer post than I intended it to but it just feels good to get it off my chest... I've been suicidal the past couple weeks over everything and I feel like I'm really losing my mind. All I can do is just bite the bit and hope if I push through things will get better and I'll grow stronger so I can be a good mother for this baby, because living in the reality I grew up in, I cannot imagine leaving my child to face this world alone.

So... yeah. No one knows that, everyone thinks I'm thrilled... but inside I'm terrified.