I've always felt like I was worthless and unlovable to anyone outside of my family. I'm 21 (22 next month) years old now and I was an alcoholic from age 17 to 20. I always had a way to get my hands on it. It obviously didn't help but I've lost more friends in the past 5 years than I can even remember. I always end up feeling like nobody ever likes me and because of it they think I don't like them and in the end I lose them. I've only had 2 romantic relationships and the last one made me an emotional trainwreck. The only true friends I have left are my step brother, his girlfriend, and another guy I met through them. It eats me up inside to the point where I only sleep 4 hours a night if I sleep at all. I'm sure I've isolated the cause of these feelings and I'm working in it slowly but surely. My stepfather (unrelated to my stepbrother) always had a thing where if he felt bad he made everyone else feel like shit anyway he could. He ended up being an alcoholic (where I probably got the idea) and later began to mix uppers and downers with it and it made him absolutely crazy. At some point he came home absolutely crazy and messed up and he threw a chair through the window and then hit my mom. Something snapped in me and I (a 13 year old) grabbed a golf club and hit him with it until the end piece broke off. Do I regret it? Nope. It led to my mom divorcing him and getting us out of the horrible place we were in. Last I heard about him he was making and using meth in a shit hole somewhere. It feels good to get these things off my chest cause I've never really felt like telling them to anyone who didn't already know. I've been getting better thanks to my true friends and weed. (It helps me not mope around so I can do shit during the day. Plus helps me eat a little better. ) I've completely stopped drinking and I'm gonna attempt to start college soon. So things are looking up nowadays.