That I have absolutely nobody in my life really.
I'm a mid-30s dood living with my Aunt. I've been separated for over 4 years. I'm not social in real life, I'm not very attractive, I'm the type of person people seem to naturally avoid, even when I'm not having a terrible day. I'm just one of those people and I can't seem to help it.
I've been feeling suicidal for awhile now, a lot of times it's all I can think about. My ex and I still talk basically every day, just small talk usually, she's a good person. Not long ago I was feeling more down that I had felt in a long time and I realized that more and more I'm seeing death as something quite peaceful, it seems like it would be a very nice relief, even on good days I probably think about killing myself at least a half a dozen times. It sounds like it's impossible for that to be a 'good day', but I could be feeling content overall, but underneath everything there's a nagging thought that I just don't want to be in this life anymore. Anyway, so I was feeling particularly down this day, I was researching different ways to kill myself peacefully and without any sort of mess. I don't want people to have to deal with cleaning brain matter off the wall, so I learned about things like nembutal and suicide bags (using gas to suffocate myself). I started getting really upset, so I hinted to my ex at what was going on, I had to talk to somebody and I hate suicide hotlines. They don't work for me. Anyway it was immediately turned around and she accused me of saying such things to fuck with her mind, which would be quite evil of me to do, I wouldn't do that, it was a cry for help. This enraged me because it made me realize that I have nobody, zip, zilch, nada. My life is pathetic.
I come here to reddit and make jokes, if you read my post history you may not know just how deeply saddened I am, I use stupid jokes as a coping mechanism, but underneath it all I'm a sad pathetic person.
I'll probably be deleting this soon, but hey, this is the shit I've got to put up with in my life.