I can´t feel (the) joy and it makes me feel bad for not being able to share the joy my family, especially my mother feels. She´s loves christmas and even though she is low on money, she tries to create a small, but lovely christmas for me (my brother celebrates christmas with his own family and I don´t have one).

I haven´t been in a celebratory mood for christmas (well, and my birthdays, too) for at least a decade and everytime I try to act not unhappy at least, but I have a hard time doing that.

Actually, I´d like to escape for christmas, but I can´t leave my mother alone. Only thinking about it makes me very sad.

I´m (already) afraid of christmas and there is no escape.