This is a true story with parts slightly exaggerated for comedic effect but the events did actually take place, added bullet points to make it easier to follow
near the end of sixth form we had an inter school competition/ 7 a side - 20 minute matches played on half an AstroTurf pitch (school equivalent of the champions league)
first game and were playing this class where all the guys played for the school football, rugby and every other teams, legit athletes. On our team, i'm playing as the keeper/striker because the rest of them (my form class) were fucking useless cunts.
before the game starts try to get put into other team, no dice, must be 300+ other students there to watch so don't want to get smashed, get made captain, our form tutor had to be our manager and during the pre-game team talk she tried to make us do a 1-2-3-GO TEAM - made her go stand with the crowd.
game starts and its like were playing barcelona only reason they don't go 3-4 up in first few minutes is sheer luck, my team has less ball control than a lesbian
8 minutes in and one of the useless cunts in my team turns out to be Alonso in disguise and gives me a clean 20 meter through ball past everyone, i beat the keeper coming out for it and knock it low 10 meters to slot this thing in the corner (everyone cheering, massive hero boner)
hold out till half time 'OMG we might actually win this game' - got the little guys believing in themselves
teacher says she wants to bring on another girl, shes literally wearing her white PE kit and school shoes, tell her to pipe down and takeover as player manager.
tell them all to play in defense and tell them don't move (literally 6 man/women wall) - feelin' like jose
they made that AstroTurf the Britannia, anytime a ball went near them they'd just kick it as hard as they could away from goal, like 60 throwing that half - so proud
last 30 odd seconds and we got a goal kick, trying to run the clock down so i tell the fucktard in goal to short pass me the ball from his goal kick and we'll keep it between us, we even make a sub to waste time and bring on full kit wanker girl
fucktard doesn't play by anybodies rules but his own, he drops the ball, taps it too hard and ball rolls out 3 meters in front of him, forgets while chasing the ball that he's not Manuel Neuer but in fact the slowest cunt of all time, other teams striker is all over it and takes the ball off him and tries to lob it into the goal
i run 150% and JUST manage to get the ball off the line, completely fucked now, dont have the energy to run the ball away so i pass the ball out wide to FKWG (full kit wanker girl), i can see the ref checking his watch in peripheral so literally last touch of the game and she kicks it LITERALLY like a girl and the ball flies up over my head, over our keepers head into our goal from about 10 meters out
1-1, they smash us on penalties to go through, never trust a full kit wanker