Thanks for taking interest in my comment. I think I can answer your question with modest confidence. Although it was a strange experience, I think it boosted my self-esteem because of how empowering the experience was. What I mean is that I felt like I had a serious breakthrough. Something I had been ignorant to--not willfully, I don't believe, considering I'm from a predominantly white part of the southern U.S. where it's rare to ever be in a situation where I'm the minority, and even if I had been, it was easy to pass off any strange feelings of being in the minority as a novelty--the majority of my life, a perspective I'd never had an opportunity to really get a first-hand view from, only theorize, was very real to me.

I feel like there's a lot I'd like to say, but I'm struggling to put it all together in a constructive way. Do you mind if I throw out a bunch of possibly disorganized thoughts on the matter?

I don't think I've ever had any close black friends. I had some friends who were black when I was younger, but they were never serious friendships. It's never been an active choice for me not to have black friends. I've just had so few opportunities for a couple of reasons. One is that where I live there is already a lot of economic segregation (often boiling down to race, and the majority of black families in my town are either impoverished or close to it). The other reason is that I've never been able to relate to "black" American culture. I realize that black Americans can be just as diverse as white Americans, but I've never been able to bridge a gap from my stereotypical white culture to the black culture around me in a way that would have lasting effects. And that used to bother me a lot for some reason. I'm really interested in people, for the most part, and I like to understand people and why they are who they are or do what they do. But black culture has always been so difficult for me to relate to.

I mentioned that before I took the trip, I used to get slightly bothered when people would bring up racial issues. I always felt like they were addressing me specifically when talking about white people, even though I have nothing to do with the racial discrimination or whatever they were talking about. I often chose to avoid racial issues. Even now, tbh, I still avoid them publicly. I only talk about racial issues with close friends because things can so often be taken out of context or intentions are misunderstood. Sometimes I would just convince myself that people who complained about racial issues (the one's I considered minor) should be ignored. But after the trip, something woke up inside of me. I don't know precisely how to explain it, but I have a very strong interest in understanding the feelings and experiences of racial minorities. Since then, I've been thinking on a very regular basis about how black Americans, in particular, experience life in America and how my interactions with them either validate the negative feelings they might have or challenge those feelings.

I'm a highschool history teacher, in my fourth year, and about 30% of my students are poor blacks. I've begun to go into greater lengths to address issues from history and current events which relate to their experiences. I've been much more confident in discussing racial issues with all of my students. A lot of my white students are quite similar to how I was. Not racist. Not mean. Just ignorant. And we've had some good discussions on race and issues related to race, during which I've been able to create an environment the students feel comfortable in. I've found that's important to do, especially after the trip. I've made it a point to make sure my black students don't feel like I did in Haiti. I want them to feel involved in a subject that is often dominated by white men, like myself, and comfortable in an environment in which they are the minority. I realized that there are probably a lot of times in classes when other teachers and students have said things that are racially ignorant. Not racist, just not considering the black experience or point of view. I might sound like an idiot or full of shit right now. I'm not sure. But I've noticed a change in how my black students interact with me. They are a lot more open and engaged with me Especially the males. Many of the black male students I've had tend to put up a front when they first start my class. I'll hardly ever see them crack a smile. They won't talk much. And I used to just assume that's who they were as people. But after the last two years, I've realized that's total shit. I've learned that these same guys are very talkative, they like to smile and joke around, and they can be sensitive. They just didn't do that with me, and I think a lot of it has to do with me being a slightly older white male. I don't think they thought they could relate to me. They probably also saw me as different. And they probably have grown up with certain reservations about older white males they don't know well. I don't know exactly, but I think there is a combination of all of those things. But over the last two years, I've become much closer with a lot of those guys. We joke about things, we talk about non-academic things, some of them ask me for my opinion on current events after class, etc.

I'll stop now. But I first want to finish by saying that, yes, I feel much more empowered and have a higher self-esteem because of my experience. I thought by ignoring issues which made me uncomfortable, they would go away, I wouldn't have to worry about them. But in reality, that just made me more insecure. I have more boldness now that I've chosen not to ignore those things. The more I really put myself in the shoes of "others" and let go of all of my preconceived ideas and instead consider that my instincts are not right, the stronger I feel. And this goes beyond racial issues, too. This whole experience was actually pretty profound for me, I guess.

Sorry for the babbling, but thanks for inviting me to get some of this out of my head. Maybe next time I discuss it with someone I'll be able to construct my thoughts more coherently because of this. Now I'm interested to hear what you'd like to say.