My issues: I'm tired of struggling through life. I want to not hate myself. I want to feel some joy in life, or at least I want to feel like it's not just a constant struggle. I'd like to feel like there's a point to living other than staying alive for my family. I don't want to be so fucking paranoid+hypervigilant+insecure+angry+distressed about people anymore. I need to be able to regulate my emotions, I'm 36 and feel like a child a lot of the time. Way too emotional for the situation a lot of the time. I have a lot of shame. I am ashamed of my shame. I also need help accepting this fucking shitty disability I have that cuts me off from people. Are those things that therapy can help fix?

Idk if this will help but what I do is I get my journal and i'll literally write a script like:

"Adult: "

and

"Child: "

And i'll have a conversation about myself. Yesterday I was mad for no reason because of what happened in therapy. I think my therapist feels like I avoid people all the time, but I dont know how to pick the people to open up to or how I should manage meeting people. I've never done it.

A lot of my trauma comes from childhood so there is this inner child that needs help.

And im scared that doing this (writing this inner conversation) will make matters worse, but sometims I feel I gain insight.

So i'll write to myself like

Child: I'm mad that I have to meet people and I'm mad people think I'm some leader or something, it feels like extra work when I have to meet people and they assume things about me!!

I've received compliments on my leadership/initiate as these are results of therapy. But because I get frustrated in social situations easy, I forget than it comes from not really socializing as a kid.

So then I'll write

"Adult: Well why do you feel that way? What makes you feel that way."

"Child: Well, I dont want to do extra work because I just dont want to, let people make their own decisions! I dont want to be in charge of anyone!"

And then things start to slowly click. The issue is because 1. I suck at meeting people. 2. I feel sometimes anxious about taking charge in intimate relationships simply because I don't know the person.

So just continue on to the root of the issue and it turns out like this

Adult: So you dislike being in charge and having to initiate and lead in dating. Is that because you don't know how to do it or because you don't want to be in charge of people?

Child: Well, I don't really want to be in charge of someone, I just want to help maybe but I dont want to make a mistake if I'm making decisions for someone. I dont know what i'd do if someone disagreed. Or what if I made a bad decision?

then I try to use CBT. Change my perspective. How come my inner child is mad about meeting people and dating when I never dated as a child? I realize my emotional needs as a child were often not met, and I felt alone a lot of the time. So as a child I had to make my own decisions and my own plans and live with them. So when I see people who I feel are indecisive, I get upset because it reminds me of how I used to be.

And then the issue becomes solved, because I've worked out all the roots. So I go from "I hate always having to take charge or initiate when dating" (which is irrational) to more of

"I dont want to make a mistake with a new person because I really want friends and a social circle."

Then I realize how I've changed over the years and come to the conclusion that maybe people think I'm a leader because I'm so used to making my own decisions. That's because my parents emotionally neglected me. So there's a strength hidden there in my eyes.

I feel a lot better when I write this inner dialogue out, because that damaged part of me is still there. It still causes my anxiety to flare up, because that's all I knew in the past. I hope this helped. Maybe I'm crazy but I feel it works. And apparently talking about yourself in the third person works too, which is why I do this when I'm feeling super anxious or idk why I'm feeling emotional.