i have something oh so juicy and interesting for people to read and ponder in their heads.

i was with this guy for 5 months. he lived in another state. everything was great for the first three months; he'd come to visit me and nothing felt better than to be together cuz we fit so perfectly; we shared passions and big interests and we ticked all the boxes for each other, heck my parents even saw the level of trust and connection we shared. then one day (around the 3-4 month mark) he changed. it was like an instant thing. he just stopped caring. he stopped putting in effort. he stopped communicating. he stopped doing all the things essential for a successful relationship. you would've thought i'd have noticed the red flags, since they are pretty fucking huge red flags. he visited me and the change was even more evident; he didnt want to be affectionate or have sex or anything. i mean there were still moments where it'd happen, the reason for me staying and putting up with it (he told me it was because of work and it had nothing to do with me, he told me he was tired because of work and that's why he was so lethargic about everything), the spark would show and it was the ONLY reason i held on. i asked many many times if he still wanted to be together and if he still wanted me and if something was wrong between us and if he just wasnt attracted to me anymore and he told me it wasnt anything to do with me and i was attractive to him and it was all him. nothing to do with me. things were getting a bit better and i was planning on going to visit him so i could see where he lived and meet his family. i called him 2-3 times before i booked the tickets, making sure he wanted me there and he wanted to see me and he still had feelings for me and whatnot. so i go down to see him, hop off the plane and experience the coldness as soon as im there; no hug or excitement to see me, even when i hugged him i got the loosest and shittest attempt at a hug i've ever experienced. i met his family and his close friends, and throughout the week i was there he stopped being as cold i guess; i was upset with him twice when i was there and he did come to me and try to comfort me and ask what was wrong repeatedly. the last night im there i ask him if he wants to continue with this relationship, and he tells me he does. so the next day he's taking me to the airport and gives me the biggest hug goodbye and kisses me even and waits until my plane is off the ground and flying away before he leaves (i know this because the plane was small enough that i could see him standing in front of his car waiting and then wave goodbye as the plane was moving away). so im back home, missing him like crazy already and feeling like things will be okay and things will get better. something still seemed off about him though, so i asked him what was wrong and again if this is really what he wanted; to be in this relationship. i always asked him to be honest and to just say it cuz it'll do less harm now then it will later. he kept telling me he did want to be in this relationship and blah blah blah. a couple days later we had a disagreement about something and he jumped to call it arguing (even though we werent) and i had had enough; he was giving me the bullshit story of "i dont know what i want anymore" again (he had done this previously but in the end told me he wanted to stay together and he still had feelings and all that crap). by this point i had enough, constantly asking for the truth but not being told it at all. i told him this is his last chance to figure out what he wants cuz im over it. the next day he tells me he doesnt think we can work this out.

now that isnt what im upset about. im upset about how he already made up his mind about breaking up with me while i was there visiting him, which means he blatantly lied to my face about wanting to stay together; fucking cunt gave me false hope and then left me for dead, so to speak. he tried to show his friends private photos of me that i took just for him (i know it's a given when you take a risk like that, but considering he knew about my dark and horrible past and how much of a big deal it was to even be naked with him in person, finding out this lovely little bit of news made me feel like i was betrayed on the highest fucking level and that i cant trust anyone with anything like this. i mean i thought he was the one, i thought he was it for me. i took all the risks and i opened myself up in every way only to be disrespected, patronized, and betrayed).

it doesnt feel like it's been a long time since he broke up with me, but apparently it's been three weeks which is almost a month. i know the situation of miserable heartbreak that i am in right now is partially my fault; i didnt take notice of the red flags and because of that i gave him the opportunity to treat me the way he did. he was everything. i thought i had it all figured out when i met him, like i could actually start planning my life in every aspect because i found my life partner. i found the man i was supposed to marry and have kids with someday. now i sit in my room everyday, watching YouTube every second because i cant bear to be alone with my thoughts. i dont think that's fair.

i think when you know someone isnt for you, you should tell them as soon as you know it. and i mean when you know it in your heart and soul and entire being. you shouldn't string people along. you shouldnt lie to them. and you most definitely shouldnt go around sharing personal things that person did with and for you because they loved you.

rant over.