Incoming wall of text about my feelings or something.
This spring I developed feelings for a friend in my group. Due to having the same major, we ended up spending a lot of time together in shared classes or back at the dorm studying. Of course, outside of academic pursuits we hung out as well. We'd go out in our group of friends and do whatever: movies, midnight snack runs, etc. If we didn't go out, we would all smoke weed eat sandwiches and partake in some immature activity like hallway soccer or rearranging furniture in the lounge. It was my first time having a good sized group of friends and being included in such debauchery; I was enchanted by the good time I was having and hoped it wouldn't end. I thought I could coast on these good times and come out with a girlfriend in the end, and I thought A would have been a good fit.
A and I spent a good amount of time together too, and I found I really enjoyed her company then too. I learned she was sweet, soft-spoken, and real laid-back. A also demonstrated a penchant for hiking and a willingness to go out and do fun things, appealing to my adventurous spirit. Like me, it turned out she was also a bit of an introvert. Before parties or some other social gathering, she would spend the day in her room. It was like she was gathering energy or something, but it was amusing to me that she and I both did that. She's also one of the cutest people I've ever met both inside and out; it seemed to me like she was the whole package.
At our university, there are outdoor concerts held by the student association throughout the year. There's one per quarter, and the following took place on one of those days during spring.
After pre-gaming, the concert, and an after-party for the concert, my friends and I were pretty beat, especially since we all binged on alcohol soda and weed sandwiches. I didn't see A at all during the concert because I got separated from the group near the beginning, but at the party we were all together again, standing around the edges of a crowd dancing. I remember, much to my regret now and immediate embarrassment in the moment, pulling on A's hand to go dance and her not wanting to go.
Later that night when we got Uber'ed back to the dorm, we took a little time in the lounge to settle down before going to bed. My friends started to trickle out back to their rooms and eventually I was left alone with A. We got to talking and the conversation steered towards rumors other people were starting. I confessed to her that I did indeed like her. She confessed to me that she never had romantic feelings for me and she said she was sorry.
She said she was sorry for perhaps seeming flirty or giving off vibes that she liked me, causing me to like her in turn. That was far from the case, as I had only started my descent into liking her because of who she was as a person, not because she liked me first or because she was "flirty". I liked how A and I spent time together, and I liked A's personality, attitude, and interests. I liked A because for the first time in my life I had decided on someone who was worth chasing after.
We decided for several reasons, not just the one here, that we shouldn't date then. We were both starting to feel the effects of the day's events at this point, so we left the lounge. In the hallway, and to the best ability of my recollection, I asked her, "If the situation were right, do you think we could have dated?" A turned around, looked at me, smiled. She shrugged and answered, "I don't know." That statement wasn't hard to swallow in that moment. Due to its vagueness and my own optimism, I took that statement of uncertainty to mean "yes". After that, I smiled back and assured her I'd try to dispel the rumors surrounding us by not hanging out alone with her so much. Then I quickly hugged her and left to bed, looking back to see her disappear into her own room once I reached my own further down the hall.
I told myself in the following weeks and months that I should only see her as a friend, to try to not treat her special because I had feelings for her. Sometimes I would walk down the hall and absentmindedly end up outside her door. Recently, I would open up my phone, start to write to her about something I want to talk about, and then end up deleting it all without even thinking about it at all.
After the night we had that talk, things between us definitely changed. Every time we talk in person, it's like we both choose our words carefully so as to avoid any miscommunication. Digital conversation has also screeched to a halt. Sometimes I would message or Snapchat her first, but I might as well be texting nobody as she doesn't reply or replies simply. Needless to say, she doesn't initiate conversations with me.
Our group of friends decided to all live together in a house this year, so we can't avoid seeing each other now. It's not quite as awkward as it used to be, but for some reason we've drifted even further apart.
I've decided that I need to begin moving on because for a time there I was starting to fall in love with her, but now our friendship is suffering. We've already lost what we used to have, but I feel like we can still salvage our relationship. I would do anything to continue being friends like how we used to be; I miss how things used to be before I stupidly let myself have romantic feelings for someone so important to me that I shouldn't have had romantic feelings for.