I've done so many embarrassing things and I think I've blocked out the good majority of it but there are a few things that keep me awake at night if I think about them...

Once, in 5th grade, my class was doing a biography day and there was a mean girl who would bully me in front of our friend group a lot. I ran into her in the bathroom with some of our friends and I asked her who she was for biography day. She was dressed in 19th century poor woman clothes and she said she was Harriet Tubman (she's white). I pointed and laughed and called to her like a dog and said, "here blacky, blacky, blacky!" I honestly didn't comprehend how horrible what I said was. I am not racist or from a racist family...it's just a stupid thing I thought I was saying to undermine her and didn't realize until later how goddamn shameful what I did was.

Another time, in 7th grade gym class, 30 kids were laying down to do sit ups with the other 30 partnered up to hold our feet down. I was doing really well until I sat up and laid a massive fart in a silent gym right into my poor partner's face.

When I was in middle school I would take the train to visit my dad in a town a few hours away. I was sitting at the table with my cousin and my dad and I stole his Nokia brick-phone from him to play snake. I laughed and said, "ha! I just jacked you off!" to my dad...i meant that I jacked his phone. Awkward looks all around.

Jesus. Finally...it's out.