My dad is a wonderful human being under a coating of peer-induced pseudo-toughness, hard life-induced mild bitterness. He is not an educated man. His culture is one of mechanical knowledge, cars, fishing and hunting along with rock music and popular television. His manners are coarse and he is not often very gracious in anything he does. He is shy around strangers and not very social. Not nervous, but I suspect having been in the shadow of his brother in his youth might have something to do with that. He's had wild years when young but never did anything serious. He became much more tame later in life when my mother and him had me. He always wished he could teach me things. That I would be like his friend. He always was very anxious about being a good dad. He stressed alot over me. He is overly generous to those he loves and to the point of forgeting himself. He used to get angry alot. He works in a difficult and conflictual environment. I was the cause of many worries and anxieties. I didn't follow the path that would have allowed him to share his knowledge. In fact I voluntarily chose to do the opposite. He always supported because he knew it would be better for me. At the core he is just a very kind and good man that learned to look tough in order to hide his anxieties and sensibility as so many others of that generation have done.
Now almost in old age, the varnish has cracked and I now am older myself and I can now understand him and why he acted the way he did. I am currently going through the family history and this also provides great insights into his personality.
I believe he still loves my mother even though they still fight and aren't at all an exemplary couple after 40 years. I think he suffers because he feels she doesn't even like him anymore but won't go because they still can live together and she couldn't live alone financially. That's what he thinks. I think if he would just take her on a vacation somewhere in the world and tried just a little to rekindle the flame she wouldn't give him that impression anymore. My mom's perspective is a little more complex. I think she's suffered some trauma in her childhood that just never healed and that my father has repetedly triggered negative reactions associated with that trauma unknowingly. Plus: I was a big subject of disagreement between the two.
He lost two younger sisters and an older brother and both his parents. He is now left with his older brother with whom he has always been close but who somewhat oppressed him when they were children. He now has to deal with him regularly regarding the family heritage and his brother is still mildly bullying him. He knows but just doesn't want to fight with his last sibling.
The last few years I've spent more time with my dad fishing, doing lumber work, learning manual stuff, talking to him about his life and family. Today we've fitted an axe head on a handle my grandfather began and left unfinished when he died fifteen years ago. I sanded the wood and plan on decorating it with maple leaf carvings. It was his first. His own axe was fitted by his father. He gave me the axe. Needless to say if I ever have a child, boy or girl, when the time comes, I'll make them an axe that will be theirs.
My dad is an extraordinary person and I admire him more than any author I like, professor I've met or politician I've supported. His values and his qualities I struggle everyday to acquire and uphold. I just hope I can become just as good a human being as he is before my time comes.