Holding fast to the railing near the starboard side of the Santa Maria, Christopher Columbus saw an island peaking our from the horizon opposite the east's rising sun. It seemed fitting that the light of the old world would anoint a path to the hoped for land that the daring seafarer had promised to his adopted queen in Spain. Praying that the isle was not a figment of his malnourished imagination or a treacherous mirage sent from Beelzebub to laugh at his spirit Columbus made an entry into his captain's log book.
"The isle arises in the west, just as I had calculated. We will arrive within landing distance this evening, if the wind holds, and will disembark the ship the next morning to explore the far east anew."
The grand trio that the great catholic nation had sent laden with blessings (and doubting Thomas's) entered the bay of the tropical inlet that evening, just as dusk was beginning to turn into the pitch black of a moonless night.
Columbus made another, and his last, entry in his ship log entitled 'From the East'. "The crew is in great spirits, I do not think that many expected to ever see dry land again! A few are finally beginning to recount that silly flat-world superstition and enter the light! We disembark tomorrow at dawn, provisions have been prepared to stay for a few days if need be. It looks as though there are no settlers on this isle, at least white ones. We see no fires nor do we see any sign of inhabitants on this most princely estate. It truly is soon to be the greatest treasure of Spain."
The crew, clambering to get off their wooden prison, begrudgingly entered the hatch and tried their best to speed up the fateful night by sleeping. None succeeded for no sooner had they put into their cots did a sound of music begin to echo from the bay into the grimy hold.
At first the crew was too fearful to leave their chambers, but curiosity grabbed them by their tails and dragged them to the deck of the ill-fortuned vessel. The guitar chords produced a most eerie and Satanic music, a pagan tribe of uncircumcised eastern savages no doubt! Though most of the crew couldn't understand the lyrics, Columbus knew in his heart that they were most certainly European.
He recognized the lyrics from a ill-advised spring break trip in his youth, a heavy metal band by the band Bathory had played a song years ago that had put the fear of God into Columbus's heart like no priestly sermonizing ever had. And now it played again, to laugh at Columbus and all that the had come to stand for. "We whisper our sorcery the acid takes us high We sing the songs of Mayhem Wingless angel in soundless flight"
Never had a man been so close to his heaven just to have it ripped away, never had such an unhappy coincidence occurred unprovoked! Columbus did the only fair thing for crew and for Spain. He turned the Santa Maria due north and found an isle that better fit his aims!