"He's gone."

The voice comes from behind me, and I turn to look.

By the door is a gigantic mustache attached to a man. He walks in, hands behind his back.

I put the paper -- the note reading Fuck you, I'm out -- back on the desk. "Who are you?"

He offers me his hand. "Friedrich, nice to meet you."

He looks familiar, for some reason.

"God's gone?" I ask, still trying to pinpoint where I know the man from.

"Yeah. Gave up. Disappeared."

"What about everyone else?"

Friedrich smiles. "Well... There's competition for souls, in the afterlife, you know... God left... Satan took over."

"Satan did what?" I ask.

"Took the souls for himself. Everyone is in Hell."

I frown. "How come* you* aren't?"

I don't know why, in a conversation with a mustached stranger in God's office in Heaven about Satan and all the lost souls of mankind, that was the first thing that I thought of asking. But it was.

"Oh... I wasn't around. I'm never around Heaven, very much. God doesn't like me a lot."

"Why?"

The man rolls his eyes, sighing. "I told people he was dead. Kind of pissed him off."

"I see... So you went to Hell?"

"No, no..." Friedrich comes closer, hands behind his back like a teacher again. "Just... in between."

"What do you mean?"

"Never mind. Listen, we gotta find the big guy."

"The big guy?"

"God."

"Oh, ok."

"Trust me, I'm no fan of the dude, but we can't just leave everyone in the hands of Satan, in Hell."

"Certainly", I say, trying t keep up.

"I mean, they play Alanis Morrisette for people there, did you know that?"

"Jesus Christ..."

"Yeah."

"Ok. So what are we going to do?"

Friedrich puts his hand around my shoulder. "We're going to look for Him."

"Where?"

He guides me out the door and to the outside.

The pearly gate shines in the distance.

"Well, he's not in Heaven, and he's certainly not in Hell."

We're walking, step by step, towards the gate.

"So... where?"

Friedrich smiles. We reach a convertible Mustang parked just outside the gates, where Saint Peter's empty sentry-box rests.

"We're going back to Earth."

"God's back on Earth?" I ask, as Friedrich climbs into the car.

"Hopefully. Come on, hop in!"

I step inside the car, feeling confusion rise in my brain by the second. "But... How are we going back there? We can't do that."

"Oh, dude", Friedrich says, and he starts the car. "You're all too human."

Then he takes off at the speed of light, and I pass out.