"Oooohhhh Mr Twinkles! Mommy's home!"
Great. She's back.
"Mr. Twinkles! Come here boy! Mommy missed yoooooouuuuu! Where are you my pwecious wittle baby? Mommy wants to see yooooouuuu!"
Ugh.
I get up from my purple velour pillow and give myself a shake. Extra fluffy, yeah she likes that. Tail set to wag, and here we go. I come out of the bedroom quickly and sit down by her feet. I am 15 pounds of pure Pomeranian and Candy's best friend and protector.
"There you are! I missed you sooooo much today Mr. Twinkles! Come here!" And with that she scoops me up into her arms and squishes me against her half-covered breasts stroking my head and planting kisses all over me. She walks over to the couch and puts me down beside her. I lie down facing her, as is our routine. She keeps petting me, I roll over onto my back so she can better access my belly. Belly rubs make this shit worthwhile. Thankfully, she never forgets the belly rubs.
"You're never going to believe this Mr. Twinkles! You know how I told you that Miranda was into Jay and was going to invite him to her party this weekend? Well today at work Jay was not only totally ignoring her, but he told her today, like in front of everyone, how he's like going to stay with his friends in Palm Springs this weekend! Like who knew he even HAD friends in Palm Springs, right? Ohmygod, so THEN she's all like 'But you're gonna miss my party!' and he's all like 'There will be other parties.' and TOTALLY shut her down. So I had to spend honestly like the rest of my whole shift trying to cheer her up and stuff! I got like nothing done and so Donovan was totally mad at us as we were leaving and said that if I didn't stop slacking off and start actually working that he was going to have to fire me! Uuuggghhhhhh! I can't believe he would say that! I mean like, does he like not have a heart or something? Couldn't he see how hurt she was! Ugh he is like SUCH an asshole! Its a good thing that I won't need this job forever! As soon as I start getting some more modelling work that's it, then I can quit and laugh in his face!"
She leans down and kisses my tummy and then rubs me under my chin. I lick at her fingers as she does, then roll over and bark at her. She smiles.
"Does Mr. Twinkles have to go pee pee?" I bark again. She gets up and grabs my leash and before I know it, we're outside on the sidewalk in LA.
"Okaaay Mr Twinkles, you're gonna have to be quick 'cause I have to start getting ready to go out! There's an agent who is going to be at the club tonight and I wanna look reeeaaalllllyyyyy good." I roll my eyes and sniff around to find a spot. This is one of the high points of my day. Don't get me wrong, there are worse people to be assigned to, but I look at as though every turd I make her pick up is revenge for having the nerve to call me, of all things, Mr. Twinkles. I pop a squat and unleash the beast, even letting out a nasty fart at the end.
"Ewwww! Mr. Twinkles! That's sooooo groooooosss!" she moans as she bends over to pick up my shit. A passerby noticing her pert posterior shouts his approval. She beams.
"All those extra workouts must be paying off!" She whispers in my ear as she carries me back upstairs. Once inside I retire to my purple cushion in the bedroom as she spends hours and hours grooming herself. Before long she's kissing me on my head and saying she'll be back "later".
Great.
"Later" for her could mean anything. It could be later tonight, it could be later this week. The clubs are just about the only place she doesn't take me which makes my job all that much harder. How the hell am I supposed to protect this woman when she leaves me behind like this!
So I amuse myself by chewing on some of her things, a lace thong, a pink stiletto. I hump a throw cushion. By midnight I know she won't be home tonight so I pee on a pile of her laundry and go to sleep.
I'm awakened later by a noise. Sounds like keys in the lock, so she IS home! I look at the clock and its just past 3am, so chances are she's not alone. Whooo boy. I get up and stand by the door to the bedroom.
"Thanksshh for walkin me home. Tha was really niche of you."
"What can I say babe, I'm a nice guy."
"Thankssh again. I'm gonna get to bed." she giggles, man she is HAMMERED!
"Why don't I help you get changed for bed then?" Goddamn, not this again. I walk towards the kitchen, keeping to the shadows so neither of them see me. Just in case she needs me.
"Noooooo! Shilly! I can dressh myshelf!" I see her limply try to push him away.
"No, I think you need help."
"No. Sherioushly, I'm ooookkaaaaayyyy."
"No. You need help." and he shoves her into the apartment. That's my queue.
"No! You can't do that!" she shouts as she stumbles and nearly falls. He grabs her by the wrist wrist.
"I'll do whatever the hell I want to honey!"
I come charging out of the darkness, brush past her leg and leap at him. Being that I'm only small I open my jaws wide and hope that my aim is good. I feel warmth against my snout and know I've hit my mark. I bite down, hard.
"JESUS WHAT THE?!!? HOLY FUCK!!! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! YOUR DOG IS FUCKING BITING MY DICK! FUCKING BITCH GET IT OFF!!"
"Mr Twinkleessssshhhhh!"
I bite down harder and shake with my whole body.
"FUCKING GOD! GET IT OFFFFFFFF" he shouts as he tries to separate me from his junk. I growl, fiercely.
"If I make Mishter Twinkleshhh let go, will you leave?"
"YES! JUST MAKE IT STOP!"
"Okay Mishter Twinklesssshh, you can let go." And I do.
"Fucking stupid bitch, fucking crazy dog..." are his last words as he leaves, slamming the door behind him. She stumbles towards me, picks me up and staggers to the bedroom.
"What would I do wifout you, my wittle missshter Twinklesssshhh?" I lick at her face, then she drops me onto the bed and without even getting undressed crawls under the blankets. I nestle in against her side and we both go to sleep. Crisis averted once again.