[WP] You suspect your date is actually just a couple of kids stacked one on top of the other while wearing a trenchcoat.

Hey, /r/baddates. I've got one for you.

I'll admit it, I was pretty fucking desperate. I wasn't Tinder desperate. I was Plenty of Fish desperate. My dating life had never before sunk this low- or, perhaps, I only now felt how cripplingly lonely I was. I just needed to remember to not talk about my cats.

He told me that while he was thin, he was working on some 'gainz, bro.' I just thought he was a douchebag. Upon seeing him enter the coffee shop, I was absolutely certain of my prior thought.

Who the fuck wears a fedora to a coffee shop? We settled in for our coffee date. His face was heavily shaded, the collar of his trenchcoat turned up to the very brim of his fedora. He didn't say much, though he hadn't been exactly eloquent online, either. I decided to spark up some conversation, because his silence was bordering dangerously close to serial killer territory.

"So, David. Have you lived in the city long?"

"Yup." I leaned in for an extension on that statement. Nothing.

"Do you like animals?" Usually, the answer of 'no' will end a date pretty quickly.

"I like doggies." Doggies? "Especially big ones."

"Doggies." I could feel my face fall, and my right eye began to twitch. "You're shitting me."

"Mom says that's a bad word!" He looked around, as though searching for his mother in a frantic bid to save himself from my potty mouth. Only then do I notice his very tiny hands. Great. A hormonal disorder or something.

"Of all the... seriously, what are you, six? Who the fuck says 'doggies?'" I stood up to leave, having finished my coffee in the first fifteen minutes of our previously silent date. He began to sob at my foul language.

"That's not nice, you're mean! Moooom!" My eyes narrowed as a portly woman arrived to save her son.

"David is a very sensitive boy! How dare you swear in front of him! And you call yourself a lady, swearing in front of children like that." She looked around. "David, where is your brother?" He shrugged.

At this point, I was totally baffled. I've heard of momma's boys, but this was a tad excessive- until another person came out from the trench coat.

And that's the story of the worst date I've ever had.

/r/WritingPrompts Thread