3. [WP] You've been cursed to only speak in metaphors and idioms, right before your...

[WP] You've been cursed to only speak in metaphors and idioms, right before your big meeting with an alien race who takes everything literally

"Hi there, how you doing?"

A green hand extended toward me. I shook it and sighed as I realized what was about to come out of my mouth.

"Well, I feel like shit."

The green hand stopped shaking my own fleshy pink one.

"I'm sorry?" inquired Premiere Florbulan. He furrowed his single brown eyebrow and focused his crystalline irises neatly on my face.

"Yeah, umm look, I don't want to beat around the bush, so I'm just going to shoot straight with you."

The Premiere's long ears laid flat against the sides of his head, and he sat up stiffly in his carbonized desk chair.

"There is no need to resort to threats, Earthling. This is a friendly diplomatic meeting."

"Christ, this is going to be like pulling teeth. Let me make a long story short, okay? I'm not off my rocker. I just feel a bit under the weather, but I am happy as a pig in shit to be meeting you today."

I stared at him and waited for the combination of images I just threw into his head to congeal into something that made sense. His oblong face contorted into a dozen expressions before settling on a combination of aggravated and confused.

"Continued use of violent and vulgar language will result in blacklisting of your galaxy from the interstellar cooperative."

"No! Look, I think we just got off on the wrong foot."

His skin turned the color of wet grass and his eyes began spinning furiously.

"I can see that your species has little respect for extraterrestrial culture. If you had read the memo we graciously provided your species ahead of this meeting, you would have noted that my people consider it taboo to speak of reproductive organs in polite company."

"What? Reproductive...please, just pop a squat. Let's not get ahead of ourselves."

"Ahead of ourselves? Ha! Such logical impossibilities are far beyond the capabilities of any organism in this entire quadrant. Lying about human capabilities would be grounds for sanctions if it weren't so pathetic. No, you're obviously not ready to join interstellar lifeforms."

He grabbed his unopened suitcase off the floor and stood up, stooping below the 7-foot ceiling to make his way out the door. The hum of his energized transporter filled the room as he prepared to leave Earth forever.

"Friendly cooperation between our civilizations is obviously not possible at this time. We will return in a few millennia when this planet is hopefully occupied by a less crude race. Enjoy your time alone in the universe," he spat at me before disappearing in a surge of electricity, leaving me standing in the empty office. My phone rang.

"Mr. President, we just recorded a massive surge of electricity out here. Are you safe? What happened?

I hung my head and said, "I screwed the fuckin' pooch, boys, that's what happened."

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