Hi, Reddit.
Long time listener first time caller.
I am lonesome, lonely, etc. Never really alone. Not really sad or depressed, I just want some conversation partners sometimes.
Someone mentioned the avoidant personality disorder, that sounds about right for myself. Maybe more fitting a pariah complex. When I was a kid, my parents were very busy and did not connect with me emotionally. Did not defend me, and were busy. I was "difficult" and instead of advancing me a year appropriate for my age, or sending me to the gifted program, I was kept in a copy-room pretty every day from third to fifth grade.
(Ozone still is my favorite pollutant, I love the lightning.)
From sixth grade through ninth grade I went to a private school which was one on one with the teachers for an hour or so three times a week, then I went home. That's it. I wasn't allowed outside and I missed a lot of the milestones that people would consider important. I went to a concert in Santa Barbara once.
I was allowed one approved friend, who after twenty years decided not to be my friend, dear john style.
In ninth grade, I made some friends in band, but I also made friends that were "the bad element," being as I wasn't too choosy for company. I used to get beat for trying to sneak out after dark. Same school district as the other place so I was a suspect, I was suspended for jaywalking then it was either military school, or private school again. That until I was 15-16, then I qualified for the high school equivalency then I "graduated." Then in my twenties I made even worse friends, as I didn't have any self-esteem, or self-worth. Let people treat me poorly, treated other people poorly, etc. I mistakenly went to a catholic school even though I wasn't catholic because my high school principal saw another kid take Latin class and naturally assumed that I was catholic. Naturally, I had to get away from my then terrible girlfriend who pitted me against this stalker-dude. To be fair I had no idea it was a catholic school and they said it was a private liberal arts university. My parents have always been super overbearing in the weirdest ways for being complete absentees, so they paid for it. I experimented with drugs, SSRI's, found that they didn't work on me and made me horribly depressed. I spent my entire twenties locked away in my apartments, only popping my head out to play some guitar to traffic, then to submerge back to my peaceful squalor. Ten years alone, only to go to the store and an attempt at polite conversation. (One time I almost got punched by Scotty Pippin in an Albertsons.) I moved back to my home town, and tried so hard to make a connection for companionship, which is difficult in this part of Southern California. Very rich people know they can come here and disappear because the people are culturally vapid and care nothing for conversations with people who they don't "know." Hilarious— more on this later.
I flailed at trying to make friends, I flirted, I gave people rides everywhere, I bought drinks, I spent a ton of money trying to make some real connections and real friends, I met so many people in my life, and everyone's mattered, but few people felt kindred. I helped the wife get through school, and almost had enough money to make it the whole way, but I ran out in Oakland and by this point I had a kid on the way. I had to go to work. This was terrifying, I just spent ten years doing odd jobs working for people I felt comfortable with, and that dried up. Fortunately, I said something kind to a man one day at the grocery store, and he remembered me at my job interview when he was across the table. I made enough money to buy groceries, hard worker, big earner. I used to do kind things for people who couldn't return the favor, do your kindnesses in secret, or whatever. I fed the hobos. Got to know them and their stories. Wife finishes degree, and we come back home in time to have our kid. I get lucky with another job and this time it feels good, washing dishes at a fancy restaurant and hot damn, I'm making friends and influencing people, flirting, whatever. Wifey gets a job in her field and I am instantly a stay at home dad. No more outside connection, no car, no life to speak of, just a conversational partner to a toddler and a lady way past her peak interest in me. My biological dad bailed or had no interest, my step-dad had no interest in me other than teaching me what not to do, and my mom had no interest what so ever because money. I have only been supply. I became the best stay at home dad ever. King-Man-Bun. Ok, I suck at chores, but I can cook really well. There's also swearing. Lots of it. (The kid has a very advanced vocabulary.)
This is my life and has been for ~18 months.
I play guitar, and signal low flying jets from my balcony. I take exceptional care of my kid because I didn't get that. I could be nicer to my wife, she could be nicer to me, our relationship is shaky and looks like it could end. It's decided: The neighbors broke out the party favors, no literally, I heard the *pwweeeee of the new years noise makers, when I went out to softly weep behind my sunglasses.
This is rich: I had a rich/famous person recognize me from a party, or my parent's neighborhood at the grocery store, and I fucking ran from him like a coward. Discretion's the word. All the people in the world, and this highfalutin' type wants wants to get acquainted with me? I fucking run like a dog. I didn't even want to make eye contact and I was just about to apologize when it got weird, he seemed familiar, and I bailed. I don't even know if I paid or not. He was super-nice too, that was the worst part. He takes a second to try to talk to someone to break his own fame-foist insularity and chance giving himself away and I run before he can whinge: "Wait!" By the time I knew who it was and was sufficiently impressed, I was home safely in my hermitage. —All the people who probably try to get his attention a day for wants, and needs, and bullshit, and he wanted to talk to me and ruddy-bloody-damn-it—I remember: Two years ago, I'm wasted at one of my parent's parties, which is unusual for a teatotaler, and these two fashionably late actors want to talk to me about a picture of me in high school, and they are very kind and I was very drunk, and probably rude, as I'm not used to compliments. They were so very kind. I'm always kicking myself for not making friends. Always through proxy, never connecting on a human level, I have mostly my wife's friends. Keep ye souls in patience.
I am more screen-snubbed and phone-snubbed than your average fast food worker. I have spend more time alone than some prisoners who have done really serious shit, and I'm tired of it. I've never done anything really wrong. I'm talented, I'm creative, I'm intelligent, why can't I convince myself I'm worth-while? So, I've convinced myself I need social training, I used to enjoy stage-acting, just like that but harder because you can see the audience. Boo fucking hoo. Why can't I convince myself not to be the villain or somebody else's asshole? Conditioning's a bitch.
I'm secretly outgoing. It's a secret.
I'm lonely, fuck all. So, I'm either waiting for katy perry to whisk me away to where my reality seems realistic, which is possible, but highly improbable, like quantum physics unlikely; or to be noticed by someone fun by virtue of my sheer madness/intelligence/whatever. I'm so tired of being veiled in darkness and being hidden. I just want friends but don't know where to begin.
Alas, Ovid said something like:
"A life well hidden is a life well led."
but I disagree as someone who's led a very hidden life.
Lets be honest: I'm a house husband with low prospects.
A ne'er do well.
I have seriously spent so much time alone that I seem like a fucking psychotic narcissist. Ugh. Do over.
Thanks for reading.