"1. Is Overtly Patriotic
We discussed this already last month, but the number of American flags within a white person’s vicinity has a direct correlation to the number of times they’ve referred to Hardee’s as “nigger Burger King.”
Ironically, I love pickup trucks. I have daydreams about driving cross-country to Arizona with nothing but a Ford F-150, a pack of sandwiches and a faithful dog named Gander. With Gander by my side, we’d get into adventures, solve mysteries and drink whiskey with women named after geographical locations. I haven’t told my wife about this fantasy yet, but she might read this eventually. So, um, surprise! 3. Wears Any Sort of Camo I don’t know why (some) white people are so obsessed with camouflage. They still make up, like, 70 percent of the country. If they want to blend in so badly, they can just name themselves “Mike” and just ... get a job somewhere. 4. Loves Dogs Look, I know dog lovers are generally good people, and usually better people than cat people. But if I check your Facebook or Twitter profile and your avatar is a dog, I’m, like, 60 percent certain you’ve trained that dog to bite darkies. 5. Loves Sports but Hates the NBA I’m not saying that everyone who hates the NBA is racist. But every racist definitely, absolutely hates the NBA. 6. Hunts YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ME, JAKE; I KNOW YOU’RE OUT THERE “HUNTING” POSSUM, BUT YOU’RE REALLY PRACTICING FOR A RACE WAR. 7. Regularly Eats at Cracker Barrel Irony strikes again, because the food—particularly the breakfast food—at Cracker Barrel is fucking awesome. I’d eat there every day if I had a way to burn off the 17,000 calories I’d gain doing it. Unfortunately, when I’m there, every white person in there automatically becomes Jeff Sessions in my head. Which is why I take my food to go. 8. Watches Sons of Anarchy I’ve never seen a minute of that show, but I do see a lot of white men and women getting out of pickups to go eat at Cracker Barrel while wearing Sons of Anarchy shirts, which makes it racist by association. 9. Lives Somewhere With No Immediate Neighbors This factoid is proof that Get Out was definitely fiction. Ain’t no nigga on earth spending a weekend alone with neighborless white people. 10. Has a Strong-as-Fuck Regional Accent Doesn’t matter where you’re from: Boston, Alabama, Indiana—wherever. If you’re white and you don’t enunciate consonants, I’m keeping my eyes on you and your damn dog."