Yes, it's true, it's very hard to see how you're behaving in the moment. And regarding the oneitis, I'm actually going through a similar situation, in my case it's not a 12 year relationship but a 3 year of unwanted friendship with the girl I liked, I said unwanted because obviusly I wanted to be more than friends but I pussied out too much and well... But thanks to this sub and another factors in my life I realized that she was using me as an orbiter and confronted her saying that I did not wanted to keep talking with because I was not interested anymore in her as I knew she could never see me as other thing that friends (her words). This happened a few days ago and now that I cutted out that bond with her we are obviusly not talking, and I still have some bits of feelings for her, but I'm trying to hang on here.

I extended a little bit with this comment lol, but I just wanted to express that I understand you, and if it's difficult for me to cut a 3 year oneitis, it must be really tough for you, but I'm glad I started tooking the red pill, and glad that you did too!