Do you have a tendency to self sabotage? I do, and it took me thirty years to figure it out. Especially when Im in a depression cycle. I will think I am hurting people by existing, Im worried Im being manipulative to keep them in my life, and I push them away.. to "protect" them.

But, at the same time, it makes ME feel better. And worse. All at once. Better because of the protection factor. Worse because I don't have them. I don't feel I truly deserve them. And out the door they go.

When I'm depressed, it's this fuckitall state of mind. Fuck all of it. Fuck people trying to help, fuck my therapist, fuck this chocolate cake, fuck I should get rid of my pets, fuck the whole world. I don't care what bridges I burn because I don't care about me.

I have to see past the pattern, once hopelessness sets in. Get up. Get out of bed. Find clean pants. Okay, these pants are fine. Go see my therapist. Talk it out. Go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat. While doing this, do not make major decisions of any kind. Do not buy a car you cannot afford. Do not give away your heirlooms. Do not give away a pet. Do not push those who love you away.

Depression is an asshole and will convince you it's a great idea to do all of these things and more. It will make you grasp for control.

Your boyfriend can make up his own mind. Let him in, instead. Do not be afraid that he will break up with you and that this will be harder than if you beat him to it. Talk to him. Let him in. Tell him what you're going through. Let him know he does not need to be your therapist, but you'd appreciate a shoulder. And go see your therapist and let him make his own decision.

It will be alright.