I [20/F] finally mustered up the strength to leave my mentally abusive/alcoholic/liar boyfriend [23/M] of 7 months. I am free

I still say stupid mean shit to people online and I feel horrible about it every time and I never apologize and I don't know why and I probably won't take any steps to change and I don't know why. I have a burning desire to be nice and make the world a better place but every time I'm nice to someone I feel like shit and I call myself an idiot. When people are nice to me it just makes me feel bad.

I feel so terrible for all the good, innocent people trying to make a better life for themselves. I feel bad that people will take advantage of them and hurt them. Whenever I saw kids being bullied at school I didn't have the balls to stick up for them. I remember I did once, but it just made me feel stupid and bad. Then I went back to keeping my head down and avoiding bullying, which I did successfully but it still only made me feel bad.

I'm sorry to all of the people who wanted to be my friend but I declined because I was afraid. I wanted to be their friend, they wanted to be my friend but I had to keep myself isolated. It didn't even occur to me for years that they were also losing out. I felt like they'd be better off without me, but how could I know that?

One thing is for certain, spending my life alone in front of a screen has been way worse than I expected it to be and I doubt there's any way out of it at this point.

Also, sucks about your relationship, sucks that he turned out that way, sucks that a lot of it probably isn't even his fault, it's probably just learned behaviour and genetics and fear of losing. Sucks that he'll probably never change and only become worse and more abusive and more manipulative. Sucks that there's probably a decent guy somewhere in there that'll never see the light of day.

Sucks that you'll probably end up dating several more of these types of guys, or that you might end up with one permanently. idk what the fuck i'm talking about, I'm just some depressed, probably schizophrenic with a history of seizures and head injuries who's smoked weed all day every day for 15 of my 28 years and I've always known that it's been the major contributing factor to most of my problems but I won't stop and I refuse to take antidepressants and I don't know why.

I am really really really sick of it now. Laying in bed for 23 hours a day and spending 16 of them on the internet has destroyed my heart, I constantly shake my legs for exercise and my entire body feels like it's on fire. I've got cramps and twitches and pinches and pains, I have no idea how I'm still alive and I'm really fucking stupid.

That's been a long time coming, sorry for hijacking your post.

/r/offmychest Thread