EDIT: To all the people saying that the spitting was disgusting, like I said I know that and I accept that. It makes me feel so shitty that I am even capable of doing it. Also, I don't want to use my ex relationship as an excuse for my behaviour, but to those asking whether that may have anything effect, my ex was manipulative as he would always try to control everything about me, whether it was who I was meeting with even if it was just girlfriends, looking through my phone etc. Now I just feel like crap thinking I have been doing the same things, but yeah I don't think that should be an excuse and I am now thinking about finding a suitable counsellor to talk to.

For the people saying why was I pushing him in the first place, I guess I didn't make it clear but during our fight, he kept trying to hold me to get me to calm down and sit down and talk but at that point the fight had already escalated to the point where it was becoming a shouting match and I did not want him to touch me as at the time I just felt he was doing it to avoid the situation, hence me pushing him away.

Also, in regards to the no contact thing, I guess looking back bombarding my BF with the texts and calls didn't seem like a good idea but I was freaking out at the time. I will try to refrain from contacting him again, but I don't know how much time I should give him. Should I contact him after a specific period of time where has doesn't even phone/text me back?

Finally to all the countless people who have PMd me saying that I don't deserve to live and that I should to rot in a cesspool filled with other Feminist scum, yes I understand that I should feel like shit and I expected Reddit to call me out on my behaviour but saying things like that is just not helping my situation.