3. I [26M] have no basis for healthy relationships and it is making me depressed

I [26M] have no basis for healthy relationships and it is making me depressed

Well a couple weeks have gone by and things are a lot worse for me. I was going through some old journal entries and it looks like I've always been pretty fucking unhappy. Anyway, this thread is probably buried right now so I think it's safe for an update...the internet is more or less forever so this is a way for me to have a "Brooks was here" moment.

Decided I'm tired of living in constant pain with tiny bits of okay mixed in and I'm going to just end things on my own terms. I've spent the entire day making preparations but it's going to take me at least another couple of weeks to make sure everything is in order. I have a lot of financial matters to take care of and there is 1 thing I really want to knock off my bucket list - also have to set a reminder to register as an organ donor - I keep spacing on that. Plus I need to ensure that my method is sufficiently lethal. The only thing worse than this will be surviving.

I'm too cerebral to explain how I feel in very emotional terms but I've already been dead for years so this is just a natural conclusion. I've written letters to those left behind - except for my mother. I feel the most guilt over hers and finding the right words is so difficult. Much of my financial planning is to ensure that she'll be stable once I'm gone (it's a long story).

I don't need to hear all the reasons I shouldn't and the usual life is valuable cliches. My mind is quite made up. I've had suicidal thoughts for years, I just finally reached the point where it's the best option. I'm tired of being such a shitty person and I'm tired of being unable to find any satisfaction in life. I've only connected with one person - we were really close once, we even talked about getting married and starting a family - now she won't even speak to me. I'm really on the fence about her letter as it probably is best if she doesn't find out so she won't get hurt - probably the nicest thing I can do for her. I'm sorry Momo.

I'm just...tired. There's just no more fight left in me. This decision is the closest feeling to happiness I've felt in a long time. The fact is, not every story has a happy ending but at least this one will be mine.

To everyone I've hurt, I'm sorry.

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