The level of self-awareness you have regarding your actions is the bare minimum that should be expected from an adult in a relationship. Even then, you continue to be dishonest by saying you “don’t know” why you lied, but you do: you didn’t want your girlfriend to know what you were up to. You chose to lie rather than deal with conflict in the case that she disapproved of your plans. Your feelings mattered more than hers.

Is there hope? That’s up to her. You know that she deserves to be treated better than this, and she likely knows this, too. I was in a similar position to her recently when I learned that my boyfriend would actively hide conversations and friendships with other women, either by failing to disclose their gender or by muting text notifications. He simply didn’t want me to find out that he was friends with women. I came very close to breaking up with him because the act of hiding with no precedent of jealousy or unwarranted suspicion on my end felt like a betrayal of my trust. Your actions are much more severe than his, so I would not be surprised if your girlfriend decides that there is no hope for your relationship.

I know it would suck for her to break up with you, even if she is right in doing so, but it won’t be the end of the world. Regardless of what happens, it’s time for self-reflection and for this I highly recommend therapy. It can help you to recognise the reasons why you behave in certain ways and practice techniques for bettering yourself. Keep in mind that therapy is hard work; you have to actively commit in order to see results. It is always worth it to try and improve. You can be better tomorrow than you were today.