Ok, I'm not much of a critic(or at least not a pretentious one),but, I will try my best to break apart your work so that you can improve yourself. First, I'll start by analyzing a few sentences and paragraphs and then I'll attempt to sum up all of your problems with a few helpful tips.
.1) Sentence/Paragraph/Writer’s Voice Analysis. The First Paragraph “I Decide to take a shortcut through a alleyway. I come across a few others along the way, but can't bring myself to ask them for help. They're already gone by the time I bring up the strength to speak.”
Ok, so,The character says that she “came across a few others along the way…”. Who are these others? You don't have to give a huge detailed description or anything, but, at least give us their names or something!
-From the same paragraph and sentence above... “...but can't bring myself to ask them for help.” I understand that this whole scene that you've given us to critique is very far into the book, but, you must explain why she couldn't bring herself to ask for help. Was she shy? Was she scared of them? Did she have too much pride? On to the next thing. “...I'm not even sure if he’s home. I don't have the strength to speak, so I can ask.
How can she ask if she doesn't have the strength to speak? “Kirakouki opens the door to his home.He’s still dressed in his doctor's coat but looks like he was going to sleep soon. He looks around to find anyone nearby until he notices me below. He looks over my body and sees blood running from my arm.”
If she knocked on the door, how is she down below? Was there a shift in the fabric of space and time? I know you meant she was short but you have to be more descriptive and specific. Also was he just wearing his Doctor's coat, or is he an actual doctor? Also if it is his doctors coat who is the doctor? Lol. One more thing. Is the blood actually running from her arm? Good God! Why aren't they trying to catch it? This should be their main concern. They have to get every last drop. “Gotta catch em all! Gotta catch em all! Pokéblood!” Sorry all jokes aside you really need to get more specific.
“Alright. Lay down on the bed on your stomach.” You use the word on too much, find a better way to say this. I won't do it for you. This is a critique, not a daycare. Replace “lay” with “lie”. You make this mistake throughout your excerpt and I'm sure you've done so throughout your previous chapters.That's bad bro. One way to remember this is “women lie, men lie, but numbers don't lie.”(a good song search it up!) Yes,numbers don't lie, as physically objects, they lay. You can replace the word “numbers” with any object that is not living anything that is alive, lies. I hope realize by now I was being metaphorical and you haven't gotten confused by the two “lies”. One means to tell a fib. This one means to “lay” on the ground, as you'd say. I realize I may be sounding rude in my writing. If so, I don't apologize I'm here to help you. Tough love, homie. So,one more example to help you. “The boys lie in the mud.” And “The books lay in the mud.” Get it? Good. “She's Glaring at me.” This is from the end of your excerpt. I think you should just say “Himari glared at me…”~ with some kind of metaphor to describe how she looked at Hanase,otherwise the sentence looks awkward, at least to me.
Next, I thought the character of Kirakouki was a bit static and bland.Even the main character Hanase seems this way. Kirakouki would be a great character if you gave him substance. This could be done by him doing unexpected, crazy, funny things or just anything unique. If you don't give him a defining characteristic, there would be little that makes him stand out and makes kirakouki...well, kirakouki. This goes for all characters that you will ever make. Please,give them something that makes them feel like they are real and makes the connect with the readers,whether this be through, dialect, dialogue, physical attributes or psychological quirks. Also, Hanase, seems a little static as well,but, that can be justified, as she seems to be confused and lost some of her memory. Going back the the subject of imagery, in this story you said, “The city lights are soothing when you feel safe.” You see, in your writing, you do too much telling and not enough showing. A better way to tell the reader this would’ve been for Hanase to describe the city lights and the describe how she felt, like maybe, “They made me feel as if I was lying in my soft bed waiting for my father to tuck me in.”. That isn't the best sentence to accomplish this, but, I hope you get what I'm trying to say. I also noticed you use active volcano CE throughout this entire story, but, I have to tell you that's too much. You want to balance the story with active and passive verbs etc. It makes the writing flow better. Now, finally the last flaw that I observed was that Hanase’s narrative tends to be erratic and all over the place, it often makes the writing choppy. “Himari brings up the homework chaos that happened at school today. She says and satou might be able to help with some of my work if it gets too crazy again. I tell her I'm thankful for that. She talks about how our homeroom teacher is in a relationship with one of her father's offices and goes on about some of the stories her father has heard about the couple. They sound like a cute pair to be honest.” These sentences are all seemingly connected together, but, It's almost impossible to relate them because you separate each action by itself when they all shared the same subject, I recommend using complex sentences more. All of those periods and separations of thought, make the reading of this piece lag a bit on the enjoyment scale.
Don't give up because of what the Redditors on here say. Take the responses you receive here with a grain of salt, especially my own, as I am a novice who is in the process of writing his first book. Just read what people have to say and use what works for you. Improve this book and get it published (if that is your goal). Well, that's all I have to say. Have a great day my friend.